Is there such a thing as "A True Friend"

Over the past 2/3 years I've lost many valuable things/people/beliefs. Now my first blog was about the "Phase" women go through and maybe it had something to do with that but I'm not completely convinced of this. Almost 3 years ago, things seemed to have been going rather smoothly but uneventful. Surely most have experienced a "stagnant" time in their lives. Wake up, get dressed, take kids to school, go to work, fetch kids, go home, make dinner,eat, put kids to sleep, watch some TV/listen to music, go to sleep. Wake up, get dressed... This carried on for way too long and in retrospect I shouldn't have tempted fate, but I did (as any human being would). I was bored with life, its monotony, its lack of a promise. Don't fix it if it ain't broken, no?
I don't believe my thoughts caused the termoil of the past three years though, it was just what life was about to throw at me that gave me a sense of stagnation in preparation for the F*#%&king looooooong draining haul ahead.

Friends - I suppose you make some, you lose some, some stay but don't contribute, you even inherit some, they stick around and are sometimes even of some use. But alas, I've always had a problem with true friends. They come and go, suppose they are chosen as opposed to just being there. But are they really chosen? Do you decide, I like the way that person looks and will now go forth and have a lasting friendship with said person. No. It chooses you. Just like love and loss and pain and....

Honestly, I had a BFF since grade 8 - we met, were the total opposite of each other and well, just balanced each other. There is a turning point in every relationship where you need to decide whether what that person contributes is beneficial to both/all your lives or not. I usually come accross that fairly early in any relationship as my radar for honesty and sencerity [aka judgement of people] is rather spot on. Needless to say, about a year or so into the relationship and at that tender age, I realised that being pretty and having a brain didn't really go down well with her - I knew it didn't go down well with anyone else either but I made an unconcious decision to nurture that friendship as it was the closest thing to a good friend in a few years. She didn't use me to get guys, copy my homework, try keep me from learning or be conniving, but there was a tweak of jealousy that I chose to ignore... for 15 years.

We became the greatest of friends, the best kind. Like those you see on TV, she was even there when I told my parents of my first pregnancy. We were like sisters, she moved overseas and we kept in contact, we rekindled our friendship [every relationship has its ups and downs] but we really loved each other - or so I thought.

To this day I haven't a clue what happened, but she started pulling away slowly around the time my life started falling apart. I had other friends, some had become really close as well but nothing near what we shared [god, I sound lesbian] but its the chick thing. Either way, you make some and lose friends along life's path - cause your scope doesn't end at your BFF. I tried to contact her time and time again eventually getting through but making this statement "I will not be your friend only when it's convenient for you". Then promised that should this happen again, I would cut all ties. And when it did I made good on my promise.

The worst part of any depression is the lonliness... besides the fact that I was seriously dissappointed in myself for not being strong enough - mentally - to avoid depression, I was really and truly alone in it. During this, met the most amazing guy ever, it was like a fantasy (I promise to blog about it sometime - still hurts a bit) and he too decided to pull away. I ended this as well. I, me - ended the two most important relationships in my life (save my family), not because I wanted to, but because it felt like I was a burden. These losses in the space of a few months broke me beyond belief, adding to my self dissappointment and loathing. It also broke a promise made to myself: "I will never allow anyone to hurt me like that again."

So now when I see friends giggling and getting coffee, making party plans on facebook, tweeting bout how amazing last night was {you no like someone who'd just broken up looking at couples in love?} it alerts me to the void I have in my life. I also don't think I am able to ignore someone's insecurities like that again ... just to have a friend in my life, a sister. She's getting married next year, heard through a mutual friend (actually one of the click but we weren't ever as close) and these things, clips of news, arb comments on her life, they hurt like hell. There is no chance of reconciliation, although we are rather civil in our communication being that a few circumstances have forced us to. How do you go from calling someone to meet your newest fling for approval, to communicating in a business like fashion about the current happenings.

Sometimes I just wanna lay all my shite bare for someone to listen to... like a friend. So I can tell her how stupid I feel for falling in love with a guy who was too young for me, who we both knew would be leaving soon. How the chemo has made me lose my mom cause she isn't the same person anymore (I cannot speak to her like I used to). That I'm so afraid of getting old it feels like its consuming my entire life. That I just want to have a girls night drinking wine and talking shite without worrying about driving home. That I can call someone when my other friends or boyfriend (oh ye, we are dating now - the guy I met for dinner a while ago) or boss, piss me off. Who I can be so open and honest with without being judged because she has my back.

Miss us sooooooo much, want us back so badly it hurts my whole body, my tummy aches with the pain of the loss of this woman in my life. But at least I now know that There is no such thing as 'A True Friend'. Unless ofcourse it's your bulldog (the rest is still unwritten) and you're a guy, which I'm not - promise...

...stuck in the middle of neither and I like it here

I ask way too many questions all the time, mostly unanswerable by any one person including my unknowledgeable self. Seriously, where would I begin to tell this story... so not going to tell all accept that I cannot understand what is happening to me right now.

My last post spoke about shallowness and the way it interferes with everyday life, but also makes it easier on those who enjoy its rewards. Now there is something to say about ignoring your intuition, although ignorance is certainly bliss.

At this point though I'm not ignoring anything but the voices in my head. They're screaming stuff like "How could you even think of going through with this" "it's against everything you've ever imagined" "Can you actually see a light at the end of this tunnel... no seriously". I'm not even in a state of disbelief at what is happening (p.s.nothing bad) on my scale of weird occurences and benefits of doubt - this is by far the most out of the ordinary thing I've done in years.

Well, if disected logically - you will see there is no logic. There is no real warning signs or objects or even caution. I'm somewhere in the middle of consciously making a decision and letting things just flow. This - to me - means I am numb.

Whatever this is its just another one of the changes happening in my life, the age thing is really getting to me and I'm so freaken busy all the time it's like there just isn't anywhere to escape to anymore, so I live in my own little world (as an escape) this does mean that reality can either bite hard or it can be sweet. Problem is, I'm so far gone into my little fantasy world that I'm not really sure whether any of this will make sense once I wake up from this trance "TRANCE" thats the word. It feels like a trance, a good one though - not like a fantasy or a whirlwind romance or even the dream job elation some people get.

I'm just stuck in the middle of neither and I like it here, because honestly - since I'm no longer sure I want to do things as I've always done it (possibly because it didn't work out almost all of the time) I'm left to decide which turn to take on a road never travelled. It's scary to be scared especially at my age. You're supposed to "come into your own" by this time already and embrace that approaching big three oh!

Shallow

I think I'm Shallow. No. Wait. I think I'm actually coming to the realisation that shallowness can affect alot of things in your life. I've always been shallow, but have... many many times... given people the benefit of the doubt. Only to realise a ways down the road, that my shallowness could have prevented the torture of getting to know that person as extensively, as they made no real contribution to my life and I didn't want to try enriching theirs any longer.

Now I know the above sounded a little "not so modest" but we can leave the discussion of modesty for another day.

Courtesy of Dictionary.com – adjective
1. of little depth; not deep: shallow water.
2. lacking depth; superficial: a mind that is not narrow but shallow.

How deep do you have to go to see that something isn't going to work out in your best interest? In anyone's best interest for that matter. Should you even tread those waters if your gut tells you not to? Don't go doubting your intuition now. Frankly - the shallower the water the better (easier to see the bottom I say).

Apparently "Shallow people are shallow because they lack the intellectual development to be any other. To be anything other than self obsessed and cosmetic demands a certain level of development." [heluim.com]

So what if you posses the intelect and level of development to acknowledge your faux pas but still CHOOSE to live this way. We do it because the only reason we will overlook it is due to "feeling" sorry for the other person. Other times its just that we kinda enjoy their company and convince ourselves that the way they present themselves to the world doesn't affect our reaction to the situation.

Can I then say that its not being shallow, its more a matter of walking around in ignorant bliss with specially fitted horse blinkers? Oh baby, when those blinkers fall off... and they always do... that wall is closer than you thought it was! Well, because blinkers kinda distorts your focus. That's when you remember your little talent - Clear Shallow Water hides less gremlins.

This little subject dawned on me yesterday and I thought blogging about it may make me feel less inclined to look deeper into the situation. It also reminded me that pretty girls don't have real friends anyway and people think they're stupid no matter what. So there!

Words from my fav song at the mo: Pass out at 3. Wake up at 10. Go out to eat. Then do it again... Man I love College, I love drinking, I love ...men. Man I love College.

I'm out.

I am but a kid

Think I'm about to... maybe already started... embark on another journey life's deciding to throw my way. One which may or may not be something I am going to enjoy. But for the first time in years, it does seem like it could be fun.


How do you learn

• to live with something that is beyond your control or understanding?
• to live with the choices that you have made?
• to live with the consequences of your actions?
• to make the best of every situation?
• to live each day to the fullest?
• not to take the people you love for granted?

There are so many more of these questions and they can only be answered by experiencing the need to to answer them.

What is life? Is it what you make of it or what it makes of you? Do you control your destiny?


I cannot answer any of the questions or comments above. I no longer (and havent for a while already) know who I am. What I will conform to and transform for. Whether I want to or not and whether what I believed for so long is what I want to do any longer.

When I was little, I looked up to the working class, family members and friends who made things look so easy. In fact - when you're a kid - things are easy. So much easier than fending for yourself with little or no inclination of the resultant consequence you may expedite from that experience.

Limbo isn't as appealing as it was last year, also - decisions need to be made and there's only one way to look at it. Straight in the eye.

Yes, adulthood sucks - it's merely a kid with debt and responsibility. I'm merely a kid.

Pet Hate Words...

Firstly I just wanted to say - YAY! I have a follower! Hi, Michelle - so glad you could join me.

Funny thing is, just as I mention I'm gonna write whether people actually read it or not, I get a follower... awesomest!

Back to the subject at hand, what the heck is "feeling" something? Does it mean you (the dreaded word) 'like' them? That enjoying someone's company is an actual FEELING? Now I am no expert on this, frankly a friend of mine quite blatantly reminded just yesterday, that I am highly unstable. Look - I didn't ask whether he meant emotionally or mentally, because I think I'd know whether I were or not (would I?). The following is therefore entirely my opinion and/or reaction to these words.

To re-iterate, if someone tells you after a few dates, or outings (play dates with other kids mothers' - I know... weird... but it’s happened before) or just plain old conversation - that they enjoy your company, does that mean they have "feelings" for you? Maybe I'm insane, but this dating thing is just not what it used to be. Am I growing up, do I need to now be more responsible and conservative because I'm apparently of age or can I actually just be me?

If someone doesn't reciprocate the emotion , leaving the other feeling the fool, who's problem is that exactly? What will probably make it ten times worse is if that person then tries to draw it out of the other - while trying to justify it as an attempt at being "OPEN" hate that word...(through gritted teeth)


Other pet hate words....

Feel/feelings
Like
Hurt
Love
Relationship
Shut out
Closed
Reserved
Seemingly
Emotions

...it’s not a long list, but these words, used in an incorrect (stupid) context, can be abused like no other. E.g. Why can't people just open up? Stop shutting everyone out! Most people are less reserved than they seem.
Do you see what I mean - fine, its a given that the intelligent use of language is a brilliant manipulation tool, but FFS can some please buy some tact.

I'm being a complete hag but I've wanted to blog about this for so long. Not only does the issue of feelings come up when two or more people start a friendship or relationship or whatever, the other issue is whether your initial interest fades once you get to know them a little better. What causes this and why would the initial attraction (because lets face it - if something doesn't attract your attention you wouldn't have seen/spoken with/heard it in the first place) be less enticing once you've gotten to know them.

Acquaintances I've stumbled upon recently and not so recently have made me realise one definite downfall - especially of the middle age (30 - I know its young right) - they seem to have the freaken answers to everything. Now honestly, I can handle one or two know-it-all's in my life - obviously less frequently than the norm, but almost every day and not by choice? This sucks big time, I'm sick of people trying to tell me that their experiences were worse than mine, that everybody has problems, that I give the impression that I think I've been through tough times - but theirs were worse. When frankly I don't give a flying F.

There was no question or insinuation that their opinion was required or even requested, seriously - was there a way of getting out before it started? Why can't they just keep this to themselves, I do. My problems were/are HUGE in my life too - do/did I go round telling everyone that mine are worse than theirs .... uuuuuh Hell No!

K, since I cannot find a solution to this and my disinterest seems to fall on deaf ears and blind eyes - I'll just keep ignoring them, until hopefully one pleasant day - the irritating, advice giving, circumstance comparing, opinionated basterds leave me the F-alone. All I want is the ability to say whatever I want without thinking how much it would hurt someone else who clearly doesn't care whether what they say hurt's or offends me...

I know - total b&#%&ing session, right?.

I LVOE blogger .... hehehe - just to emphasize... these words used in the correct context at the correct time, elegantly delivered for best impact ... transform into poetry.

Way too much blog? or not?

So I haven't done this for a few months, did mention that I would be busy although I just feel the need to do this today.

People have been blogging for years, so much so that they've created whole communities on this wonderful thing we call the internet. I'm a little hypocrytical when it comes to blogging bout my entire life and prefer if certain people never read it, which could explain my reluctance to publish this url on my facebook or twitter profiles. On the other side of this hypocrite is someone who follows blogs of people who aren't afraid to tell the whole world about their lives.

I find that abosolutely amazing and envy their freedom of expression very very much (envy is a terrible word but essential in this case). South Africans aren't as interested in this type of interaction as most of the first world countries are, which doesn't affect my opinion's but it unfortunately affects my actions. So trying to keep things on the up and up is a cache 22 situation of sorts. My life has been in a total mess for almost all of it so far and well if I think really clearly about it, it would be because I tried to make everyone else happy and not myself.

So I am now blogging whether I have followers or not. This is for me - even if just a three liner now and then, to satisfy the urge. Quinch the thirst or free the mind.

If not, why not. No?

Starting over.. again and again

Seriously need to beautify my blog, make it more interesting for me to want to look at, but all that takes time, something I haven't had much of lately.

Just moved house - AGAIN - due to the joyess economy, I couldn't afford my place and took up living in a friends place which is really big and cosy... but rather out of sorts and hectically far from everything we're used to (see previous post for example). This not so little (funny, I used to say that bout my last, hot boyfriend) 'problem' I was to face when moving in, has blossomed (sarcastically through gritted teeth) into making the place characteristically livable.

Life coulda been a little simpler, but alas - that is not an option - coulda, woulda, shoulda just doesn't do it for me. I have my family to take care of and that is all my choice. While chatting to a friend on Skype the other day and she mentioned (once again, something I get alot from many different friends, people, aquintances,etc.)that she was worried about me, with everything happening in my life at the moment, things must be tough. This is how my life has been and changing the outcome of every situation or getting history not to repeat itself has sometimes broken me into such little pieces that I've even written a small metophoric 'release' if you may on what it feels like. This will come later and I seriously drift. Back to the subject at hand, my friend is going through something I'd never want to experience, although most poeple never want to experience what I've gone through - hers is something scary and way too emotionally challenging for me. Unfortunately the details are personal and cannot be published so all I can say is that everything changed in a split second for her and her family. She mentioned this but still said how much she worries about me.

Now, as we are currently not suited to encourage each other, these negative feelings were not going to help her any. Also, it upsets me sometimes that people care so much for others when their own lives are in a mess - yes I may sound selfish, but don't get me wrong, I appreciate her caring and care very deeply for them - she just shouldn't worry about me but instead herself, which - as I blatanly mentioned to her - wasn't by choice.

It was my choice though to fall pregnant (maybe not so much a choice) and never finish high school, have another child (again, not so much a choice), leave the looser, cancel the wedding and go it alone all before the age of 20. Move out on my own to raise my boys as I saw fit and later take my mom in when she left my dad (took her long enough).

Been single and mingling for many years, don't take guys home ever(we go to their place if they are old enough to have one of thier own, preferably with their own room - that just sounds terrible - but these encounters are few and far between and merely imply that my blood is still runs warm), work twice as hard for half the pay because I have no degree and obviously nobody cares that I have a brain.

The offspring equals 1x puberty stricken (just gone) teenager with raging hormones and for kicks 'Megan Fox Syndrome' (std male reaction: Eyes glaze over while mouth curves into covetous smirk with drool dripping all over) great combo, 1x pre-puberty - more like can we please clear up the total confusion - almost teen, funny little lad too. 1x mom who's left breastless (hehehe - sorry can't help myself), literally and figuratively while chemo seems to be rendering her senile - not sure what age she would be under these circumstances - feels like another teen with memory loss and well, the 20something with wrinkles and grey hair in the wrong places, needing to start all over again for the millionth time - all living together in ignorant bliss (I say bliss in the hope that it evades you to my current discomfort).

So the need to explain to 1xfamily above that our current circumstances are beyond even my control after having them believe that I and I alone (by the grace of God) control mine and their destiny for now, has become a daunting task to say the least. And as everyone is emotionally unstable - teen, pre-teen, senile and seeming depressive - this is really hard to comprehend. Why I (the seemingly depressive, emotionally unstable head of the house) cannot explain this to them should really speak for itself. The good thing, which shouldn't really be a good thing, is the whole world is in the same economic situation. And for this time only - to start over again - seems a little less traumatic (doesn't feel it)than the times before, as I have a sense of not being totally alone (some of the time).

Starting a new job on Monday, not sure when I'll have time to blog again, but so stoked that this may bring a twinkle at the end of my long, dark, luming tunnel.

Catch you on the flip side, peeps!!!

Timid Road Raging

After several years of avoiding any kind of traffic, living within in a 10km radius of school and work, driving (walking - when the car was stolen/broken/stupid) less than 20km's a day and most recently 9-12km's in total - this included; taking boys to school, going to work, picking them up, taking them home, going back to work and then returning home. I now bypass all my previous places of residence and go TOwards my most recent residence (too much of a reality check to count but think its approx 15km's 1 way) then drive to temporary job assignment - result of retrenchment - which is around 10-15 km's in the opposite direction of the said school - bypassing yet another previous place of residence.

Upon leaving my nest 7-8yrs ago, I vowed NEVER ... ever... to be in the car for more than an hour at a time if it could at all be helped. Possibly because I absolutely hate, no no despise - okay... vehemently abhor, traffic.

Wanna see this crazily bubbly person morph into a gargantuan bitch in 2 seconds flat? Put me in bumper to bumper traffic at 10km's an hr - clutch leg (left) having a minor seizure, protruding vein (my offspring nonchalantly refer to it as "The Harry Potter scar") pumping uncontrolably while an incompetent female... soccer mom... wanna be driver... escorts her little brats to daycare at 5km's p/h, never hesitating to stop before every single turn!!!!! WHy licenses are issued to these clearly inadequate road abusers, are beyond my natural understanding!!!

All the while hearing these weird voices - "They can't hear you", "Who are you speaking to?", "Please stop cursing?", "I don't think the car understood you", sounds vaguely familiar - that's it - my offspring! they need to get to school in one piece and possibly be raised in a non-violent, non-cusing environment. Why I decided NOT to smoke in the car&house with my wonderful family members present is beyond even me???? ... oh ... yes, in an effort to kill only myself while enjoying my only vice! Blows I tellya.

The trek to work from school is slightly less challenging accept I don't seem to hear those voices any longer... think all the soccer mom's have gone shopping and my "vice" happily burns between my fingers.

We retrace this route every afternoon - afraid how painful this journey may be when pms arrives. S'pose I'll cross that bridge when we get there and we're not far off.

Just for the record, I only say how stupid they are (cause really - most cars are) and seldomly swear... out loud, tail - seriously close to - excrutiatingly slow cars and never give the finger (no really - petite is not scary). Although I'm sure they sense my frustration when checking their rear view mirrors. Also, my dad taught me to drive and I do know when people are with stupid because I handle my shite better than alot of men.

Optimistic thought: Tomorrow will be better and I'll get used to it ... eventually! Ye - in about 5 minutes.

Thanks for sharing my bitching session.

Cheese: Sharing is Caring

Desperately WaCko!

Time = Birth! Life! Death! Eternity!


My youngest son asked whether ppl had already forgotten about Michael Jackson so soon after his death? Being that he's interest in the news - whether on radio or TV - is as minimal as mine, we tend to listen to it while on our way to school and work in the morning and this was a long weekend. Needless to say, we hadn't heard a word about him in a while accept that he has not been layed to rest as yet.

Funnily enough the episode of Desperate Housewives immediately after this seemingly innocent question, had the same connotation "Life is what you make of it". Not to mention the post by a blogger last week about being "Over the Hill". This brought on the frightful reminder that life is blatantly and quite rudely, short.


Is it a sign that one should just accept what is happening in life and try liking it- even enjoy it if you must - so that at some pivotal point you have every right to say those fateful words "Life is what you make of it"? I can complain all I want, throw my toys and still get the same result, its a cache 22 situtation. Something or nothing - whichever applies - will happen whether or not you want or will it to. Obviously this refers to my previous post (Control is an illusion ... ) we all try making the most of life - sometimes though - lifes curveballs are fast and continuous... leaving very little to enjoy.


WAcko JAcko! poor dude - lived a lonely, intrusive, crazy yet amazing life - in my opinion. Almost every kid on the planet for the past 40 years or so wished they'd had that kind of fame and/or aspired to it. But did anyone look at the life this man/boy lead? He had all the money in the world, every person possible knew who he was - how'd he buy toilet paper? Luckily he wasn't a chick - can you imagine desperately needing a tampon when everyone knows who you are? In his life, that would make the freaken tabloids - how bloody sad (excuse the pun).

He tried to make the best of life - but alas, there were times when nothing he said or did changed the outcome of a particular life altering situation - even for him "The King of Pop". Some like to think he lived a fascinating existence and died alone - we'll never know.


The point is, he will not be forgotten - ever! But we mere mortals, aaah we mere, ignorant, insaciable, ungrateful mortals. Will we be remembered by those we treasure in our every day lives? Or will they be relieved for your dissipated return to earth's dust?


I am the absolute best mom I can be, it’s nothing close to the perfect one you read about or see on TV, quite possibly the farthest thing from it. The boys know they’ll either find socks in their drawers or clean laundry basket or still waiting to be washed. Not clear cut and seriously not trying to be Supermom (so not domesticated its beyond hilarious) but one thing’s for sure - I love my boys completely unconditionally, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them if I could and I want them out of my house as soon as they are of college going age. That’s less than a decade and counting - whoohooo!

All I want is that they never forget how much I love them when I’m gone. That, in it self, will be the greatest feat and worth my entire life, should it end this very day. It will also be what I made of my life - no?

Control is an illusion

Maybe its more of a DILLUSION, who knows.

Control (Definition: the situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another) shouldn't even be a word associated with anything other than the physical ability to manipulate an object without a single doubt.

Look back on your life and think how many things you were able to control, really. You wake up happy - with the best intentions of having a good day, being kind to everyone and getting things done - k some days at least. The series of events to follow are so... completely... out of your control its scary. It could go either way 1. the best day you've ever had 2. quite possibly the worst day ever 3. the same ole crap you had yesterday.

Simple example: planning out a day of necessary shopping - groceries, flowers, some material to fix the arb repair and renting a movie before heading home to get dinner ready for the kids/husband/self.

First store is stuffy - think the aircon is out of order - its cold out so you've made sure that there's no room for a sneaky wind to get in (head starts spinning and your underarms feel clammy and cold) but the world will end at 2 in the morning if there is no paper in the loo. The queue is seriously long and people are standing in line for friends while they pick up something else - so uncool.

Finally, out of there - in the airconditioned mall corridor, core temperature normalises yet there's a tinge of pain in your eye for the sudden change and your armpits feel even colder now. Next on the list is the florist - who needs the aircon to half freeze those flowers in order to keep them fresh while your body seems to repel this change in temperature once again by stabbing you behind the still throbbing eye.

All is well - the flowers are great - couldn't grandma have a birthday at a better time of year? You get to the pay point and forget your cards pin number (which has never happened before) so you try another card - where a pin is not required therefore increasing your outstanding credit balance.

You make it out before icicles form on your forehead and realise that the car is parked on the far side of the mall closer to the first store - was a great idea at the time, especially since your socks looked more comfortable when they weren't trying to dig into your big toe.

Oh yes! Made it to the parking lot - find the car, put the groceries in the boot and proceed to drive to the Movie rental place - but there seems to be a hold up, let's take a left here and go around. Oh!!! My!!! Hat!!! A roadblock and all exits have been closed.

Light up a smoke and wait to get pulled over because as we all know, it wouldn't happen this way if you didn't have an outstanding fine. 47min Later, you're about to drive straight through - when Mr Police Officerman signals for you to park your car on the side of the road, great! Smile, panic, look normal, no... look worried, no... fain dementia, crap... he's here. After much pleading, he sends you off with a verbal warning to pay those fines (and get the food home for your ageing gran)... Pheeeew!

Awesomest, get to the movie rental place and obviously - because you were stuck in traffic for the longest most excruciating time - they've rented your booked movie to someone ELSE! Breathe... slowly... find something else. Its cold, raining and no-ones out - but all the good movies are. Take something classic - pay and get the hell outta there. But wait... can't be that easy can it ... the damned scanner isn't working properly and everytime you try walking out the door the alarm goes off.

This delays you a few more minutes, the clerk is really sweet and suggests you go straight home without making any more stops. You agree wholeheartedly and leave quietly.

The trip home is less daunting and you make it in one piece. The day could have gone either way - The above could have taken 2 hours at most and you would be in time to cook up a storm, enjoy the dinner party you planned and get to bed early/wired enough to feel fresh again the next morning - but that would have been uneventful.

I've had a few days where everything that could possibly go wrong, did! One of which is still the worst day of my life, but as I get older I realise its only part of living your life - wouldn't it be boring otherwise.

Unfortunately its not that justifiable when it happens to the big things in your life, or affects them in such a way that you have to completely change strategies to accommodate these UNCONTROLLABLE events.


Later peeps.

My first time...

and there's a first time for everything... idn't?

Just broke my "blog virginity" hope its as good as the real thing and keeps getting better .... No! this is not the content of my piece, at least not today.

I can say what I want over here and possibly get no comment, objection, affirmation... but seriously if I truly cared, I'd not be here. No?

So in an effort to relieve my frustrations and send it out into the universe... load of crap... I'm attempting my underactive mind/hand at making life simpler by letting f*ing go already!

"The Phase"
Has anyone ever heard of the 25-27yr old 'phase' women go through? It apparently hits between these ages, lasts approximately 12 to 18 months and transforms you into the woman you will be for the rest of your forsaken existence on this planet.

BS, serious BS ... why don't men go through this transformation? Oh! Wait! They stay boys so women can deal and make everything alright.

Lets take dear ole Charlie (2and a half men) he gets laid when it suites him... NB! any given time... makes a fortune writing jingles (jingles!!! FFS) and has a beach house in Malibu. That's wot I'm talkin' bout, and don't tell me there aren't ppl out there who live like this - where would the idea culminate?

Then we have Mr Stinson, heheheh (HIMYM) aaaah, the man is simply amazing. Wit, charm and those looks automatically remove female attire. A job schmoozing the rich&famous and the perfect loveshack equipped with a getaway strat.

Fine, so Charlie and Barney are my hero's - that's just weird for a straight chick. Honestly though, had my anatomy been of the male orientation "The Charlie/Stinson way" would be the way to go. They won't be going through any don'tlookatme'causeI'mstupid phase, purely 'cause they'll have those fierce looks, body contours and firm skin for another 20 years or so - give or take five.

As I master this art, I'll not drift as much. If there are any women out there who made it through this phase unscathed - bless your little cotton socks! It blows!!!