Seriously need to beautify my blog, make it more interesting for me to want to look at, but all that takes time, something I haven't had much of lately.
Just moved house - AGAIN - due to the joyess economy, I couldn't afford my place and took up living in a friends place which is really big and cosy... but rather out of sorts and hectically far from everything we're used to (see previous post for example). This not so little (funny, I used to say that bout my last, hot boyfriend) 'problem' I was to face when moving in, has blossomed (sarcastically through gritted teeth) into making the place characteristically livable.
Life coulda been a little simpler, but alas - that is not an option - coulda, woulda, shoulda just doesn't do it for me. I have my family to take care of and that is all my choice. While chatting to a friend on Skype the other day and she mentioned (once again, something I get alot from many different friends, people, aquintances,etc.)that she was worried about me, with everything happening in my life at the moment, things must be tough. This is how my life has been and changing the outcome of every situation or getting history not to repeat itself has sometimes broken me into such little pieces that I've even written a small metophoric 'release' if you may on what it feels like. This will come later and I seriously drift. Back to the subject at hand, my friend is going through something I'd never want to experience, although most poeple never want to experience what I've gone through - hers is something scary and way too emotionally challenging for me. Unfortunately the details are personal and cannot be published so all I can say is that everything changed in a split second for her and her family. She mentioned this but still said how much she worries about me.
Now, as we are currently not suited to encourage each other, these negative feelings were not going to help her any. Also, it upsets me sometimes that people care so much for others when their own lives are in a mess - yes I may sound selfish, but don't get me wrong, I appreciate her caring and care very deeply for them - she just shouldn't worry about me but instead herself, which - as I blatanly mentioned to her - wasn't by choice.
It was my choice though to fall pregnant (maybe not so much a choice) and never finish high school, have another child (again, not so much a choice), leave the looser, cancel the wedding and go it alone all before the age of 20. Move out on my own to raise my boys as I saw fit and later take my mom in when she left my dad (took her long enough).
Been single and mingling for many years, don't take guys home ever(we go to their place if they are old enough to have one of thier own, preferably with their own room - that just sounds terrible - but these encounters are few and far between and merely imply that my blood is still runs warm), work twice as hard for half the pay because I have no degree and obviously nobody cares that I have a brain.
The offspring equals 1x puberty stricken (just gone) teenager with raging hormones and for kicks 'Megan Fox Syndrome' (std male reaction: Eyes glaze over while mouth curves into covetous smirk with drool dripping all over) great combo, 1x pre-puberty - more like can we please clear up the total confusion - almost teen, funny little lad too. 1x mom who's left breastless (hehehe - sorry can't help myself), literally and figuratively while chemo seems to be rendering her senile - not sure what age she would be under these circumstances - feels like another teen with memory loss and well, the 20something with wrinkles and grey hair in the wrong places, needing to start all over again for the millionth time - all living together in ignorant bliss (I say bliss in the hope that it evades you to my current discomfort).
So the need to explain to 1xfamily above that our current circumstances are beyond even my control after having them believe that I and I alone (by the grace of God) control mine and their destiny for now, has become a daunting task to say the least. And as everyone is emotionally unstable - teen, pre-teen, senile and seeming depressive - this is really hard to comprehend. Why I (the seemingly depressive, emotionally unstable head of the house) cannot explain this to them should really speak for itself. The good thing, which shouldn't really be a good thing, is the whole world is in the same economic situation. And for this time only - to start over again - seems a little less traumatic (doesn't feel it)than the times before, as I have a sense of not being totally alone (some of the time).
Starting a new job on Monday, not sure when I'll have time to blog again, but so stoked that this may bring a twinkle at the end of my long, dark, luming tunnel.
Catch you on the flip side, peeps!!!
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