Over the past 2/3 years I've lost many valuable things/people/beliefs. Now my first blog was about the "Phase" women go through and maybe it had something to do with that but I'm not completely convinced of this. Almost 3 years ago, things seemed to have been going rather smoothly but uneventful. Surely most have experienced a "stagnant" time in their lives. Wake up, get dressed, take kids to school, go to work, fetch kids, go home, make dinner,eat, put kids to sleep, watch some TV/listen to music, go to sleep. Wake up, get dressed... This carried on for way too long and in retrospect I shouldn't have tempted fate, but I did (as any human being would). I was bored with life, its monotony, its lack of a promise. Don't fix it if it ain't broken, no?
I don't believe my thoughts caused the termoil of the past three years though, it was just what life was about to throw at me that gave me a sense of stagnation in preparation for the F*#%&king looooooong draining haul ahead.
Friends - I suppose you make some, you lose some, some stay but don't contribute, you even inherit some, they stick around and are sometimes even of some use. But alas, I've always had a problem with true friends. They come and go, suppose they are chosen as opposed to just being there. But are they really chosen? Do you decide, I like the way that person looks and will now go forth and have a lasting friendship with said person. No. It chooses you. Just like love and loss and pain and....
Honestly, I had a BFF since grade 8 - we met, were the total opposite of each other and well, just balanced each other. There is a turning point in every relationship where you need to decide whether what that person contributes is beneficial to both/all your lives or not. I usually come accross that fairly early in any relationship as my radar for honesty and sencerity [aka judgement of people] is rather spot on. Needless to say, about a year or so into the relationship and at that tender age, I realised that being pretty and having a brain didn't really go down well with her - I knew it didn't go down well with anyone else either but I made an unconcious decision to nurture that friendship as it was the closest thing to a good friend in a few years. She didn't use me to get guys, copy my homework, try keep me from learning or be conniving, but there was a tweak of jealousy that I chose to ignore... for 15 years.
We became the greatest of friends, the best kind. Like those you see on TV, she was even there when I told my parents of my first pregnancy. We were like sisters, she moved overseas and we kept in contact, we rekindled our friendship [every relationship has its ups and downs] but we really loved each other - or so I thought.
To this day I haven't a clue what happened, but she started pulling away slowly around the time my life started falling apart. I had other friends, some had become really close as well but nothing near what we shared [god, I sound lesbian] but its the chick thing. Either way, you make some and lose friends along life's path - cause your scope doesn't end at your BFF. I tried to contact her time and time again eventually getting through but making this statement "I will not be your friend only when it's convenient for you". Then promised that should this happen again, I would cut all ties. And when it did I made good on my promise.
The worst part of any depression is the lonliness... besides the fact that I was seriously dissappointed in myself for not being strong enough - mentally - to avoid depression, I was really and truly alone in it. During this, met the most amazing guy ever, it was like a fantasy (I promise to blog about it sometime - still hurts a bit) and he too decided to pull away. I ended this as well. I, me - ended the two most important relationships in my life (save my family), not because I wanted to, but because it felt like I was a burden. These losses in the space of a few months broke me beyond belief, adding to my self dissappointment and loathing. It also broke a promise made to myself: "I will never allow anyone to hurt me like that again."
So now when I see friends giggling and getting coffee, making party plans on facebook, tweeting bout how amazing last night was {you no like someone who'd just broken up looking at couples in love?} it alerts me to the void I have in my life. I also don't think I am able to ignore someone's insecurities like that again ... just to have a friend in my life, a sister. She's getting married next year, heard through a mutual friend (actually one of the click but we weren't ever as close) and these things, clips of news, arb comments on her life, they hurt like hell. There is no chance of reconciliation, although we are rather civil in our communication being that a few circumstances have forced us to. How do you go from calling someone to meet your newest fling for approval, to communicating in a business like fashion about the current happenings.
Sometimes I just wanna lay all my shite bare for someone to listen to... like a friend. So I can tell her how stupid I feel for falling in love with a guy who was too young for me, who we both knew would be leaving soon. How the chemo has made me lose my mom cause she isn't the same person anymore (I cannot speak to her like I used to). That I'm so afraid of getting old it feels like its consuming my entire life. That I just want to have a girls night drinking wine and talking shite without worrying about driving home. That I can call someone when my other friends or boyfriend (oh ye, we are dating now - the guy I met for dinner a while ago) or boss, piss me off. Who I can be so open and honest with without being judged because she has my back.
Miss us sooooooo much, want us back so badly it hurts my whole body, my tummy aches with the pain of the loss of this woman in my life. But at least I now know that There is no such thing as 'A True Friend'. Unless ofcourse it's your bulldog (the rest is still unwritten) and you're a guy, which I'm not - promise...
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