At the age of 12 my world came crashing down - courtesy of my 'wonderful' father. At 16 I walked head on into a brick wall by having a baby with a very bad man. 3 Years later I was dumb enough to have another - with the same dumbass.
I promised never to let my kids think I was superwoman and have them rebel against who I really was. But there are some things you don't want them to know, this is a two edged sword though. Yes, I have relations with the guys I see, sometimes I don't even see them - really just have relations. They can never know that though and can only make their own assumptions when they get much much older. I was totally afraid to tell them how old I was when I had them too.
They will not be introduced to any man unless I think he is worthy of them (haven't met a single guy to date). When my niece (7) found out I had a boyfriend, she look bewildered then said, matter of factly "But you already have children" lol.
The thing is kids cannot cope with certain emotions, they haven't learned to reason properly and cannot understand the ways of the world when they are that innocent. Being a teenager was so confusing, then I had babies halfway through which confused this even more.
Its a few days after my big three oh and apparently its supposed to be the best time of your live. Used to be your 20's but I didn't really live those years, I just existed. Maybe I'm being my sceptical PMSy self again, but I still feel like that confused teenager, accept I haven't the inclination to take on the world which boils down to just being confused. This I cannot afford, my son has just started high school, they need me to be the strong mother figure now and all I want is to stop being so alone in my world. Really want someone I can dump on and no longer be restricted by other people's insecurities, irrationalities and needs.
So don't dig being an adult and thats all I wanted when I was young (having a baby at 16 didn't say that loud enough!). It's so taxing, the trivialites of certain people's lives seem so mundane and there are those who thrive on gossip, or nagging, or interference. Whatever it may be, it seems most people are either happy with where they have found themselves (the more mature 'ppl'... as in old) or they've matured to such a degree that wisdom has taught them to accept their fate.
Fighting what happens to you when you are unable to change it makes for a rather miserable existence. Acceptance could be the key, but that would also be settling. Maybe a mind alteration is order, actually that should be the order of the day. This unfortunately is easier said than done. I search for that happy place, but only find moments of excitement.
Something's gotta give and this will have to be my state of mind or the next 30 years of my life will feel as wasted as the last.
I promised never to let my kids think I was superwoman and have them rebel against who I really was. But there are some things you don't want them to know, this is a two edged sword though. Yes, I have relations with the guys I see, sometimes I don't even see them - really just have relations. They can never know that though and can only make their own assumptions when they get much much older. I was totally afraid to tell them how old I was when I had them too.
They will not be introduced to any man unless I think he is worthy of them (haven't met a single guy to date). When my niece (7) found out I had a boyfriend, she look bewildered then said, matter of factly "But you already have children" lol.
The thing is kids cannot cope with certain emotions, they haven't learned to reason properly and cannot understand the ways of the world when they are that innocent. Being a teenager was so confusing, then I had babies halfway through which confused this even more.
Its a few days after my big three oh and apparently its supposed to be the best time of your live. Used to be your 20's but I didn't really live those years, I just existed. Maybe I'm being my sceptical PMSy self again, but I still feel like that confused teenager, accept I haven't the inclination to take on the world which boils down to just being confused. This I cannot afford, my son has just started high school, they need me to be the strong mother figure now and all I want is to stop being so alone in my world. Really want someone I can dump on and no longer be restricted by other people's insecurities, irrationalities and needs.
So don't dig being an adult and thats all I wanted when I was young (having a baby at 16 didn't say that loud enough!). It's so taxing, the trivialites of certain people's lives seem so mundane and there are those who thrive on gossip, or nagging, or interference. Whatever it may be, it seems most people are either happy with where they have found themselves (the more mature 'ppl'... as in old) or they've matured to such a degree that wisdom has taught them to accept their fate.
Fighting what happens to you when you are unable to change it makes for a rather miserable existence. Acceptance could be the key, but that would also be settling. Maybe a mind alteration is order, actually that should be the order of the day. This unfortunately is easier said than done. I search for that happy place, but only find moments of excitement.
Something's gotta give and this will have to be my state of mind or the next 30 years of my life will feel as wasted as the last.
Emotions of a child are as strong and reasonable as they are with an adult.. they just exist in a particularly more innocent frame of mind. embrace that... it will reveal much to you, about yourself.
ReplyDeleteWhat I hear when I read this post , is a person that has not had any sort of closure when it comes to the big events that have come to pass.
First, I do agree that the 30's are a great time, but you do have to be able to grow from with what your 20's were all about... In your case, that is Motherhood. It was who you became, and that is the fact of the matter. Now that is your whole world, and you just have to continue to grow with it.
It may not be as important, the little details, such as how old you were when this or that happened. Time is relative. It feels as though healing is needed here. Go back to the start of it all and remember why it was important for you to "be an adult" and the child you left there may be able to help you heal.
This is an honest post. Thank you for sharing it.
@jiggins...
ReplyDeleteyes, agreed... children's emotions are very truthful. Which makes them hurt alot easier. I'm really afraid of growing older, but finally realised that lots of people feel the same. All I have to do is make the best of it... just need to learn how.