Reading over some of the posts I've written, its only logical for me to be writing this today.
Everything has gone crashing down - the depression still creeps up, like it did yesterday but I'm trying to handle it. Its quite difficult at this point though... feels like the more enthusiastic I try be, the more things fall apart.
My "baby" project was cancelled and subsequently closed down, which means
I'm officially unemployed
Officially financially screwedto, before the retrenchment and due to the miscarraige.
Officially been asked to leave my residence
Officially single - I broke this off, couldn't handle another thing happening to me, so I made it happen.
and my son has decided he'd like to be a pothead oneday.
That's just the big stuff, I cannot begin to explain everything that has gone wrong in the past few months, not sure if this is a result of my depression or not. Although thats too easy an explaination for me.
One good thing is that some of my actual writing has been published, its just that it isn't getting the response I had hoped for. Dammit, not good for the already bruised ego right now.
Needless to say, I've decided to put off starting a real blog for the moment. Its just not good to wonder why I'm not worth much anymore. This place I'm in (mentally) is not good, its more like in need of a refurbishment - without the inclination to perservere though, what is there to do?
I do need to get a move on, just seem so stuck. But not stuck like you are afraid to move, stuck like in quicksand stuck. If you move too much, you sink a little more.
Its been almost two months since the last post and things have become worse, less stressful, more illusive, but in general - its fucking baaaaadddddd!
People keep saying it will get better, and this should be a blessing in disguise - I'm just sick of starting over every single fucking time. Had enough of this shit already, really.
Give. A. Chick. A. Fucking. Break!!!
Later....
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Blogging wonderful
The blog below was composed two days ago and minutes before I received crappy news that sent me into a bit of a dark spiral. I have decided to post it anyway as it is in relation to having this energy of kak rein on my ass lately.
My favourite blogger wrote about just saying what you want, when you want without fear. This isn't something many people are able, albeit keen, to do.
I'm afraid to blog about certain things in case someone happens to stumble upon this and make out who the fuck I really am. Which, if they knew anything about me, would be evident should they take the time to read my previous posts.
Here's the thing, I am bored and ill and depressed and bored. With life and its horrible twists and turns. With the fact that I may have to give up alot more in order to give up even more and can see no real reward accept for the fact that I may have a hand in rearing two hopefully great men in the process. This does entail many hardships and totally no gratitude, none whatsover. Being a parent is the most unselfish thing anyone could ever do, if they are truly parenting. Dammit, life is hard enough without having to worry about your decisions affecting other peoples lives, especially those you brought into the world and are responsible for.
For those who do not have children, you lucky bastids. Think about the crap that is or already has happened in your life and then try imagine having mouths to feed and others to tend to while going through whatever it is/was that you went through. Being needed by those incapable of providing for themselves and ungrateful for what you provide but yet, cannot be cast aside until your affairs have been rectified.
When I started out (the first say 6 or 7 years) I always thought that it must get easier because you get better at it or at least get used to it, so why then were there so many depressed people around? Thought I'd never be one of them and that they were weak. Well, surprise surprise - this is my second bout (obviously meaning the first wasn't properly dealt with) and its alot more intense and drawn out than before. I say this because there are so many adults out there who just cannot cope with the lifestyle they have, with what they have or have not built. Maybe I'm just crazy... excuse the pun... and not quite a perfectionist, but most definitely self criticizing. Yes - if you are your self motivating, you are highly critical of yourself as well.
Everything has a pro and a con - everything! Michele Obama says that you should surround yourself with people on their way up as they will pull you up with them. The twist on this one is that some of them may actually push you down on their way up, instead of holding onto you. Now, dependant on your critique criteria, individuals see the result as either a fault of their own or the selfishness of the leader. If you're depressed, it is your fault, you are useless and well, its worthless even arguing or trying to get out because frankly, you'll be just as much use to the next company, friend, partner as you are to the current.
Self motivation has become self demotivation, there is a twist in everything I see, read, hear. Its gotten to a place where I try really hard not to listen to what is happening around me as I feel its personal attack, when I know deep down inside it probably wasn't or isn't - and there are times when I am attacked, but so totally in my head that defending my believes (obscured right now) or myself is just a no-go area. The energy expended on this activity is consuming, it consumes the most intelligent people, and all because of a stupid imbalance, a bad decision, a choice - a non-choice - this thing we call, life.
I stopped here - and can't seem to remember my train of throught for the last [erased] sentence - but it shows how insanely intuitive I can be and that freaks me out....
Later Guys - I'll post another soon I hope.
My favourite blogger wrote about just saying what you want, when you want without fear. This isn't something many people are able, albeit keen, to do.
I'm afraid to blog about certain things in case someone happens to stumble upon this and make out who the fuck I really am. Which, if they knew anything about me, would be evident should they take the time to read my previous posts.
Here's the thing, I am bored and ill and depressed and bored. With life and its horrible twists and turns. With the fact that I may have to give up alot more in order to give up even more and can see no real reward accept for the fact that I may have a hand in rearing two hopefully great men in the process. This does entail many hardships and totally no gratitude, none whatsover. Being a parent is the most unselfish thing anyone could ever do, if they are truly parenting. Dammit, life is hard enough without having to worry about your decisions affecting other peoples lives, especially those you brought into the world and are responsible for.
For those who do not have children, you lucky bastids. Think about the crap that is or already has happened in your life and then try imagine having mouths to feed and others to tend to while going through whatever it is/was that you went through. Being needed by those incapable of providing for themselves and ungrateful for what you provide but yet, cannot be cast aside until your affairs have been rectified.
When I started out (the first say 6 or 7 years) I always thought that it must get easier because you get better at it or at least get used to it, so why then were there so many depressed people around? Thought I'd never be one of them and that they were weak. Well, surprise surprise - this is my second bout (obviously meaning the first wasn't properly dealt with) and its alot more intense and drawn out than before. I say this because there are so many adults out there who just cannot cope with the lifestyle they have, with what they have or have not built. Maybe I'm just crazy... excuse the pun... and not quite a perfectionist, but most definitely self criticizing. Yes - if you are your self motivating, you are highly critical of yourself as well.
Everything has a pro and a con - everything! Michele Obama says that you should surround yourself with people on their way up as they will pull you up with them. The twist on this one is that some of them may actually push you down on their way up, instead of holding onto you. Now, dependant on your critique criteria, individuals see the result as either a fault of their own or the selfishness of the leader. If you're depressed, it is your fault, you are useless and well, its worthless even arguing or trying to get out because frankly, you'll be just as much use to the next company, friend, partner as you are to the current.
Self motivation has become self demotivation, there is a twist in everything I see, read, hear. Its gotten to a place where I try really hard not to listen to what is happening around me as I feel its personal attack, when I know deep down inside it probably wasn't or isn't - and there are times when I am attacked, but so totally in my head that defending my believes (obscured right now) or myself is just a no-go area. The energy expended on this activity is consuming, it consumes the most intelligent people, and all because of a stupid imbalance, a bad decision, a choice - a non-choice - this thing we call, life.
I stopped here - and can't seem to remember my train of throught for the last [erased] sentence - but it shows how insanely intuitive I can be and that freaks me out....
Later Guys - I'll post another soon I hope.
Monday, June 27, 2011
What are women good for?
Are we here simply to pro-create, take care of the husband and children, teach our sons how to provide for a family and teach our daughters how to care for a husband and children?
Yes the cycle!
This isn't the fucking stone age, its 2011!
Get with the program already.
Yes the cycle!
This isn't the fucking stone age, its 2011!
Get with the program already.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
In serious need of therapy
Another Journal Entry
In desperate need to let this out, but since I promised the people in my life I wouldn't speak about certain things, I kinda don't have anyone to tell it to...
Having no friendly resources, accept for my one favourite person on the face of this earth... He is my best friend and always will be - I hope. Things haven't been good for him either, but when he can he is there for me, just to talk - well more like type. We haven't seen each other in forever (meaning years), our relationship is purely "Skyped". So when either of us are offline, its not quite helpful to the other, although he's risking having me as a bbm contact - good lord, if the wife finds that the world is going to end for him, a horrid death at that.
So this blog is to thank him for his friendship, cause without that little 'get it off my chest, nag and bitch as much as I can type, sessions' today would be as bad as the past year.
Dilemma:
Having a relatively decent day - i.e. I'm not permanently pissed... Dunno who this person is any longer - the job I loved so much has become soul destroying and the bf, well - thats such a long story - just can't deal with him or my finances right now. In serious need of therapy in order to get my mind in the right place to pluck up the courage to do what needs to be done (story of my fcuking life). Every aspect of my life is unfulfilling in this moment, okay more like at this point but survive I will. So ironic, a few blogs ago I swore it wouldn't take over my life.
A word of advice from a sufferer: If you're depressed and can get help (meaning it won't cost you a cent or you are able to get this with or without financial aid) go get it... make yourself make that call, ask someone to help you but go get it done NOW!
Also, I'm afraid to re-read this one at a later stage as my everyday, normal communication and comprehension non-skills still evade me.
Just... really... need... Therapy!
Over and out.
In desperate need to let this out, but since I promised the people in my life I wouldn't speak about certain things, I kinda don't have anyone to tell it to...
Having no friendly resources, accept for my one favourite person on the face of this earth... He is my best friend and always will be - I hope. Things haven't been good for him either, but when he can he is there for me, just to talk - well more like type. We haven't seen each other in forever (meaning years), our relationship is purely "Skyped". So when either of us are offline, its not quite helpful to the other, although he's risking having me as a bbm contact - good lord, if the wife finds that the world is going to end for him, a horrid death at that.
So this blog is to thank him for his friendship, cause without that little 'get it off my chest, nag and bitch as much as I can type, sessions' today would be as bad as the past year.
Dilemma:
Having a relatively decent day - i.e. I'm not permanently pissed... Dunno who this person is any longer - the job I loved so much has become soul destroying and the bf, well - thats such a long story - just can't deal with him or my finances right now. In serious need of therapy in order to get my mind in the right place to pluck up the courage to do what needs to be done (story of my fcuking life). Every aspect of my life is unfulfilling in this moment, okay more like at this point but survive I will. So ironic, a few blogs ago I swore it wouldn't take over my life.
A word of advice from a sufferer: If you're depressed and can get help (meaning it won't cost you a cent or you are able to get this with or without financial aid) go get it... make yourself make that call, ask someone to help you but go get it done NOW!
Also, I'm afraid to re-read this one at a later stage as my everyday, normal communication and comprehension non-skills still evade me.
Just... really... need... Therapy!
Over and out.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Post Journal
Written 4 blogs this year - what a waste. I've come up with soo many subjects to write about but then wonder who in the hell reads them anyway.
I do and it really feels like tis some kind of Journal at this point. So I will keep at it then, easily reachable and always at hand. Well, it is online and if something happened to me tomorrow it will be online for the rest of eternity. Isn't that really what the net is all about. Eternalising everything?
Well, my journal entry for today is this...
Sometimes the things you don't want - or are obligated - to do, feel like such a burden... but once you realise what it would mean to/ for the person/people you are doing it for, it doesn't seem as much like a chore as it once did.
Especially if you couldn't keep up your promise, then it just feels like you've failed them.
Lols Out!
I do and it really feels like tis some kind of Journal at this point. So I will keep at it then, easily reachable and always at hand. Well, it is online and if something happened to me tomorrow it will be online for the rest of eternity. Isn't that really what the net is all about. Eternalising everything?
Well, my journal entry for today is this...
Sometimes the things you don't want - or are obligated - to do, feel like such a burden... but once you realise what it would mean to/ for the person/people you are doing it for, it doesn't seem as much like a chore as it once did.
Especially if you couldn't keep up your promise, then it just feels like you've failed them.
Lols Out!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Darker yet!
Is it possible to be in a dark place, know that you are and not have the inclination to remove yourself from that state or the hope that it will see to itself, work out somehow?
Dark is the wrong word. Its more like Empty. Just read through the previous posts and found that outlook a little more sobering than the current state of mind.
During the past two months the general consensus has been - "Take wots coming". Nothing much else anyone can do about that. Fighting the inevitable is a futile endeavour and may have accomplished something before, but very little in comparison to working with what you have and building upon that.
Unfortunately, and it was proven to me this very moment (just got a call), I'm completely desensitized. Things no longer have the effect they used to - actually - there is no longer an effect. Maybe there are reasons things work out the way they do and it could definitely be the universe saying something. But what would that be? Oh wait, I don't give a fuck and it no longer matters. Decisions, choices, direction (in life) - these are all based on emotion, maybe plain old mental activity without emotional baggage is a good idea too. Who knows, who cares.
Here's to me and my outlook on life.... wot outlook?
Dark is the wrong word. Its more like Empty. Just read through the previous posts and found that outlook a little more sobering than the current state of mind.
During the past two months the general consensus has been - "Take wots coming". Nothing much else anyone can do about that. Fighting the inevitable is a futile endeavour and may have accomplished something before, but very little in comparison to working with what you have and building upon that.
Unfortunately, and it was proven to me this very moment (just got a call), I'm completely desensitized. Things no longer have the effect they used to - actually - there is no longer an effect. Maybe there are reasons things work out the way they do and it could definitely be the universe saying something. But what would that be? Oh wait, I don't give a fuck and it no longer matters. Decisions, choices, direction (in life) - these are all based on emotion, maybe plain old mental activity without emotional baggage is a good idea too. Who knows, who cares.
Here's to me and my outlook on life.... wot outlook?
Monday, February 28, 2011
OMG I'm Fat and lost
Yes, I really am. After the miscarriage, I cannot lose the weight I put on during the pregnancy. When I had my kids over 10 years ago, by the 8th week I could at least squeeze back into my mid to fat clothes (fat clothes are for that time of the month). I've now had to purchase more clothes in order to dress.
Problem is, I cannot afford to replace my entire wardrobe. Beside the fact that it took a few years to gather some of my most precious garments, I haven't been able to wear them properly for almost 5 months and this is absolutely Killing me. Doesn't do much in helping with my current state of mind, not that I'm all suicidal or extremely depressed, just positively down in the dumps. This time though, having gained a little weight isn't as bad a thing as usual, okay thats a lie, its horrible accept for one small interesting developement. Its made my face fuller and gets me more attention.
Now, how to play that down? - I fucking hate my middle juggling with each step, hate the feeling of knowing which butt cheek is moving in which direction when I walk and undressing in a fitting room at any store reveals the worst marks I could ever imagine being on my "being".
My hair is dry and unmanageable, skin is taught, dry and wrinkled, have pimples sprouting out in the oddest of places and this really funny disgusting looking blotches of dry skin all over my fucking body. WTF is going on? Isn't it enough that I'm mourning the loss of my twenties, relationship, child and mind should I be subject to the loss of my body as I've known it as well?
Wait, that's everything - I have lost "Me" - this would be the time I usually look inward, become introspective - or try to deal - but seriously (there are more things that are just... not right). Its not like things have gone horribly wrong, they've just dissipated. Like one morning I woke up and just knew that I was no longer pregnant = walking around with dead fetus in stomach.One morning I just woke up and didn't recognise the person looking back at me in any of the mirrors, the voice was different, the person? no longer there. How can someone be so present yet so totally and completely lost.
There's not much to look forward to anymore and not only will my body need to be rebuilt, my mind and soul need a recap, a regrouping - the voices are gone and I miss them.
Problem is, I cannot afford to replace my entire wardrobe. Beside the fact that it took a few years to gather some of my most precious garments, I haven't been able to wear them properly for almost 5 months and this is absolutely Killing me. Doesn't do much in helping with my current state of mind, not that I'm all suicidal or extremely depressed, just positively down in the dumps. This time though, having gained a little weight isn't as bad a thing as usual, okay thats a lie, its horrible accept for one small interesting developement. Its made my face fuller and gets me more attention.
Now, how to play that down? - I fucking hate my middle juggling with each step, hate the feeling of knowing which butt cheek is moving in which direction when I walk and undressing in a fitting room at any store reveals the worst marks I could ever imagine being on my "being".
My hair is dry and unmanageable, skin is taught, dry and wrinkled, have pimples sprouting out in the oddest of places and this really funny disgusting looking blotches of dry skin all over my fucking body. WTF is going on? Isn't it enough that I'm mourning the loss of my twenties, relationship, child and mind should I be subject to the loss of my body as I've known it as well?
Wait, that's everything - I have lost "Me" - this would be the time I usually look inward, become introspective - or try to deal - but seriously (there are more things that are just... not right). Its not like things have gone horribly wrong, they've just dissipated. Like one morning I woke up and just knew that I was no longer pregnant = walking around with dead fetus in stomach.One morning I just woke up and didn't recognise the person looking back at me in any of the mirrors, the voice was different, the person? no longer there. How can someone be so present yet so totally and completely lost.
There's not much to look forward to anymore and not only will my body need to be rebuilt, my mind and soul need a recap, a regrouping - the voices are gone and I miss them.
Monday, February 21, 2011
The choice is mine....
Suppose there where many opportunities in the world and all you had to do was grab one, let it take you where it wants and if it isn't to your liking, just grab another one and see where you get to.
That's an interesting concept if it really existed - I'd have be the first on that bandwagon, as my previous post suggests - opportunity doesn't fall into everyone's lap, also - if they go out looking for it its usually not as satisfying as they thought it would be. But never has there been a lack of trying or optimistic drive. I'm definitely driven and motivated, all I need is the opportunity to be there for me to grab with both hands.
So I'm being honest with myself and others starting today, I'm over the hill and there is very little to loose at this point. As stated in my last post, things are unraveling and trying to fall apart again. Not this freaken time Karma, or Murphy or whoever the fuck you are. Just had it with this crap, I want a career and a good salary, something that satisfies me to the core, something to build on or move on from should it not work out according to plan and I will find it. This time though, I'm not going to hold on tooo tight, it's just going to work out, create more opportunity and extend for the rest of my physical life on this earth.
I'm not willing for the next 30years to fly by undetected and boring as the previous 30. No longer will I be put down for the lack of a degree, I will not longer accept being tamed. Just because I was brought up being put down all the time doesn't mean I'm not incredibly curious - does mean though that I'm not as outspoken as should be - undeniably intelligent, systematic and get the job done without stabbing anyone in the back.
I have to start a proper blog in my real name (damn) which you won't be able to read as I cannot share what I share here. I will though be blogging more often, if I don't get an outlet for this frustration it's may just blow up in my face again. It won't be too personal as its mainly to advertise my writing skills (which have been put down ever so often). I used to be easily discouraged, but that is over now.
As mentioned to my son yesterday, I do not have to answer to anyone, get permission from anyone or get twenty-questioned every step of every way. This is my attitude now, I will give when I want and take what is given if it suites me.
The choice is really mine ... was just always afraid of being rejected, put down and criticized because there's been so much of it my entire life. To hell with the rest of them, I have one life, if I don't' live it I'm the only one who will have any regrets and that is something I'm never doing again.
That's an interesting concept if it really existed - I'd have be the first on that bandwagon, as my previous post suggests - opportunity doesn't fall into everyone's lap, also - if they go out looking for it its usually not as satisfying as they thought it would be. But never has there been a lack of trying or optimistic drive. I'm definitely driven and motivated, all I need is the opportunity to be there for me to grab with both hands.
So I'm being honest with myself and others starting today, I'm over the hill and there is very little to loose at this point. As stated in my last post, things are unraveling and trying to fall apart again. Not this freaken time Karma, or Murphy or whoever the fuck you are. Just had it with this crap, I want a career and a good salary, something that satisfies me to the core, something to build on or move on from should it not work out according to plan and I will find it. This time though, I'm not going to hold on tooo tight, it's just going to work out, create more opportunity and extend for the rest of my physical life on this earth.
I'm not willing for the next 30years to fly by undetected and boring as the previous 30. No longer will I be put down for the lack of a degree, I will not longer accept being tamed. Just because I was brought up being put down all the time doesn't mean I'm not incredibly curious - does mean though that I'm not as outspoken as should be - undeniably intelligent, systematic and get the job done without stabbing anyone in the back.
I have to start a proper blog in my real name (damn) which you won't be able to read as I cannot share what I share here. I will though be blogging more often, if I don't get an outlet for this frustration it's may just blow up in my face again. It won't be too personal as its mainly to advertise my writing skills (which have been put down ever so often). I used to be easily discouraged, but that is over now.
As mentioned to my son yesterday, I do not have to answer to anyone, get permission from anyone or get twenty-questioned every step of every way. This is my attitude now, I will give when I want and take what is given if it suites me.
The choice is really mine ... was just always afraid of being rejected, put down and criticized because there's been so much of it my entire life. To hell with the rest of them, I have one life, if I don't' live it I'm the only one who will have any regrets and that is something I'm never doing again.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Whatever shall I do?
Life's been just GREAT! After my last post - where I completely and totally relay my feelings on pregnancy and goals and not reaching it, well. I get the surprise of my life and miscarry, then while I'm going through this and everything else in my life (admittedly some things seem to be getting better, just expensive) uuuum I hear word that my "career" may be stumped prematurely. Now what?
I rant about not being appreciated and in fact the steady flow of no money and more work means I am not underappreciated, instead it may turn out that I could be an extra resource and therefore no longer required. How does one feel about something this.... big - is it big? At this point in one's life, career isn't something you should be worrying about, this is usally where people start having children, their careers have been sorted, their relationships are relatively stable and they are independant selfless parents or parents to be. I've definitely done things the wrong way round, and yes it could benefit me in the long run - but during the run - not so much. How about the kids, shame they said the other day that things just seem to go wrong for them or for us and it affects them.
I'm no longer living by the premise that good and bad things happen to certain people, constantly. Like if good things come to you they usually tend to appear out of nowhere, same with the latter. I can't live like that any longer - good things have happened to me over the years - yes I've had to work hard to keep it good, in fact worked real hard just to make it happen, but that's not the issue. It's being able to maintain a type of momentum without thinking too much about the things that actually happen on their own. There are many people around the world who just cannot get out of a slump - they keep thinking "this always happens to me" feel sorry for themselves and let it take over.
Feeling sorry for myself ain't gonna cut it any longer, okay - just for a little while I'm gonna ignore it - since its almost my birthday and I really just want to try be happy on that day (NOT). Might as well enjoy celebrating SOMEthing. Either way, my budget will see to itself until the next paycheck and my career will have to be put in check. Planning will need to take place and the prospect of rejection will need to be prep'd for.
Once all that is working I may actually want to have another relationship or hopefully a good one finds its way to me because I seriously don't have the time to go looking for that - especially since I have the worst selection. Until then, well its back to the grind - no comfort zone ever liked my presence so the drawing board calls for some increased chalk action.
To the chalk and beyond - maybe I'll be able to fit some blogging into all of that. Been so hectic walking in circles I haven't looked up to see the same landmark. But I've seen my own footprint in the sand and that's gotta stop.
Laters
I rant about not being appreciated and in fact the steady flow of no money and more work means I am not underappreciated, instead it may turn out that I could be an extra resource and therefore no longer required. How does one feel about something this.... big - is it big? At this point in one's life, career isn't something you should be worrying about, this is usally where people start having children, their careers have been sorted, their relationships are relatively stable and they are independant selfless parents or parents to be. I've definitely done things the wrong way round, and yes it could benefit me in the long run - but during the run - not so much. How about the kids, shame they said the other day that things just seem to go wrong for them or for us and it affects them.
I'm no longer living by the premise that good and bad things happen to certain people, constantly. Like if good things come to you they usually tend to appear out of nowhere, same with the latter. I can't live like that any longer - good things have happened to me over the years - yes I've had to work hard to keep it good, in fact worked real hard just to make it happen, but that's not the issue. It's being able to maintain a type of momentum without thinking too much about the things that actually happen on their own. There are many people around the world who just cannot get out of a slump - they keep thinking "this always happens to me" feel sorry for themselves and let it take over.
Feeling sorry for myself ain't gonna cut it any longer, okay - just for a little while I'm gonna ignore it - since its almost my birthday and I really just want to try be happy on that day (NOT). Might as well enjoy celebrating SOMEthing. Either way, my budget will see to itself until the next paycheck and my career will have to be put in check. Planning will need to take place and the prospect of rejection will need to be prep'd for.
Once all that is working I may actually want to have another relationship or hopefully a good one finds its way to me because I seriously don't have the time to go looking for that - especially since I have the worst selection. Until then, well its back to the grind - no comfort zone ever liked my presence so the drawing board calls for some increased chalk action.
To the chalk and beyond - maybe I'll be able to fit some blogging into all of that. Been so hectic walking in circles I haven't looked up to see the same landmark. But I've seen my own footprint in the sand and that's gotta stop.
Laters
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