Yes, I really am. After the miscarriage, I cannot lose the weight I put on during the pregnancy. When I had my kids over 10 years ago, by the 8th week I could at least squeeze back into my mid to fat clothes (fat clothes are for that time of the month). I've now had to purchase more clothes in order to dress.
Problem is, I cannot afford to replace my entire wardrobe. Beside the fact that it took a few years to gather some of my most precious garments, I haven't been able to wear them properly for almost 5 months and this is absolutely Killing me. Doesn't do much in helping with my current state of mind, not that I'm all suicidal or extremely depressed, just positively down in the dumps. This time though, having gained a little weight isn't as bad a thing as usual, okay thats a lie, its horrible accept for one small interesting developement. Its made my face fuller and gets me more attention.
Now, how to play that down? - I fucking hate my middle juggling with each step, hate the feeling of knowing which butt cheek is moving in which direction when I walk and undressing in a fitting room at any store reveals the worst marks I could ever imagine being on my "being".
My hair is dry and unmanageable, skin is taught, dry and wrinkled, have pimples sprouting out in the oddest of places and this really funny disgusting looking blotches of dry skin all over my fucking body. WTF is going on? Isn't it enough that I'm mourning the loss of my twenties, relationship, child and mind should I be subject to the loss of my body as I've known it as well?
Wait, that's everything - I have lost "Me" - this would be the time I usually look inward, become introspective - or try to deal - but seriously (there are more things that are just... not right). Its not like things have gone horribly wrong, they've just dissipated. Like one morning I woke up and just knew that I was no longer pregnant = walking around with dead fetus in stomach.One morning I just woke up and didn't recognise the person looking back at me in any of the mirrors, the voice was different, the person? no longer there. How can someone be so present yet so totally and completely lost.
There's not much to look forward to anymore and not only will my body need to be rebuilt, my mind and soul need a recap, a regrouping - the voices are gone and I miss them.
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