It's All My Own Fault

Have you ever had a dream that you knew could be fulfilled but that somehow kept drifting farther and farther away with every new obstacle?

Story of my Life... That's wot that is.

Everytime the glimpse of any dream is just about in sight, when normal people see it and run towards it with everything that they have, I seem to just stumble and fall and become so obsessed with reaching that goal, that dream, that the obstacles in my right of passage seem to appear out of nowhere...

How many more times does this have to happen for me to give up and realise that I've just gotta accept my lot in life... try make life better for my family and their futures and well, maybe actually just give in and settle for a kinder than most guy who may in fact enjoy being a family man. I should be happy, most women at my age would be ecstatic, this is what they've wanted all their lives: Healthy handsome Kids, A man who loves them, no problem conceiving, a loving parent, and a loving parent in law, a good job and a great boss.

What can I say, thought there was more to life than caring for children and a man. I wanted a career, a profession. That was shattered by stupidity and rebellion half my life ago, then when there seemed like there'd be some consolation on the horizon, I fell pregnant again at 19 WTF? Got a few decent jobs, earning enough to feed my brood and moved companies so much that I finally earned enough to live on my own and just barely feed the brood. Looking back, it became about earning enough to actually pay all my expenses and eat without borrowing too much. Yay, finally got to that stage when my youngest was 9 and then I lost my job AGAIN. Which obviously throws you into something terrible when you've only earned enough to get by, but not save. Saving then became my goal - I also happened upon the almost perfect job and well, finally had the time and opportunity to better myself and find some semblance of a career, an actual boyfriend who loved me - even though I didn't love him - it was great.

Then he wanted to get serious, the kids started acting out more than usual, psychologists were brought in, friends left, I finally got a new car and news of another pregnancy. WOT!!!! I don't want to get married, I don't want to have a baby on my arm, I don't want to not sleep for two years, I don't want to be full of vomit and spit and not wear white. I don't want to not be able to work late if that is required, I don't want to have to depend on someone that is only doing this for a child. I don't want to do this to my children, to my mom, my "mom in law", to him, to my boss and especially to ME.

I .. me... I should have been more careful - its no ones fault but mine, just like the other two and just like the rest of the shite that's happened in my life. If I only noticed what was happening around me on my way to my goal I may have been able to prevent the pain and indecision and this unbearable feeling of uncontrollable hopelessness.

There's no one else to blame for these shattered dreams, but myself.

Wow! and wow

Wow! Been saying that alot lately, but seriously - didn't think people could still surprise me with their disgusting disregard for and toward each other. Which is why I say wow in small letters cause I should know this shit by now being that I'm cynical and shallow and all the other little icey details I'd like other's to believe about me.

But wow! To be left stranded in a city by a "friend" with no regard for my safety or wellbeing is a little... well... HARD to fathom. Surprisingly enough I feel okay, just a little poorer and more stressed but okay nonetheless. This is the kinda thing that makes me distrust humankind even more. I should, but really don't want to anymore, its such an empty life. Just the thought though of having too many clingy, abusive friends is a little more daunting than having none at all, or is it?

Hating the way this makes me feel right now. So I gotta do this:
"Think positive thoughts" - "remember those who do good" - "do good for those who love you" - "love those who don't deserve it". Not so easy either.

Sitting here in my hotel room, stranded and alone I'm thinking maybe I should just be me and tell the rest of the world that I won't break because they treat me badly, that I'll make sure I'm okay cause I'm versatile like that, and I'm a big girl, we don't cry... we get even whaawahahhahaha (evil laugh).

I'm a cynical bitch and shoulda known better. But no sense in crying over spilt milk, it's water under the bridge and am in the process of crossing it.

The love thing... again?

What's up with the love thing this week, seriously though?

Most of the blogs I follow have this word in the title of their posts and well, my whole week has been about love and friendship and the amount or lack thereof. Your family loves you, even the kids, whether they like it or not (cause that's how it is) and maybe your boyfriend/girlfriend will love you too or you've lost the love of a friend - the friendship basically. No love lost, no? No.

It's a phenomenon that it does actually make the world go round, so does money but that's a different discussion altogether. My car hasn't been showing me very much love and neither have the people trying to fix it for the past two weeks. I was actually stranded for a few hours (at work) last night. Why? Well let's just say when times are tough Murphy's all up in your face like an annoying fucking bee.

So here I am, at the beginning of an awesome venture - not a crossroad, I'm past that - and circumstances are preventing me from going at it with everything I have. So I'll have to go at it with what I have left and stuff like that shows up somehow someway. I want to give it my all, why shouldn't I. Is that how you look at it - when something's wrong in your personal life, your work life is great - but then suffers for it and vice versa. Is it then safe to say that everything can't always work out, not only the way you want it to, just in general.

I've seen many people have it all - they may not have all of it, but in their minds and to the outside world - it is having it all. And guess what they do with it, throw it away in a moment of weakness or for compulsive actions. Others well, they bask in that and realise they should enjoy it while it lasts. Then there are those who just keep getting knocked into a freaken brick wall. But they still hope that one day it will crack and they'll have a reason to keep the faith. What happens when that faith is crumbled and they cannot go it any longer? They give up because at some point the punches are too great and well, we're human - it injures your soul at times so much so that its incomprehensible to attempt repairing it.

Surely, something's gotta give - I'll try stay optimistic and positive. The glass is half full, the glass... is half FULL.

This is about me

This blog is about ME. This blog is the reason I've grown so much in the past year or so. This blog has become my "go to" - my friend.

Why? I have no friends, I wouldn't ever let on who I really am for fear of the abuse I may get if someone I know or who I've written about actually read this. Had a dream about a snake the other day. Now, many people aren't into dream translation and astrology but I truly am (more the dream thing). Either way, this viper as it were, was just looking at me and hissing. Most dream dictionary's will say that its a friend or partner who is really viciously trying to take you down (as with the serpent in the Garden of Eden). This is quite true, frankly, whether you've actually looked it up, a snake ain't the best sign of great fortune and never will be. 

So, I tell my mom, as always... and her response "you don't have any friends, you aren't really seeing anyone so it's gotta be someone you work with or work related. Let's hope it hasn't anything to do with the kids". Uuuum, "you don't have any friends"?... the problem with this is that my answer was, "mm-mm, I know - well we'll have to wait and see." WTF?

I found out what it was for eventually and this thing didn't happen to me, it happened to someone quite close - I cannot divulge any information as it may give something away should they stumble upon this post, but the crux of the matter is - most courses, self help books, inspirational speakers, etc,. mention that everyone should have a support system, not only as a single parent, but as a human being. Without friends, you may sometimes look to family or acquaintances for this.  And the unfortunate event made in possible for my only other "support system" to be removed from my life, once again - without my intervention or choice.

Okay, I may have one or two - but they aren't openly available to assist me. Married friends - males - whom I cannot call when in a tight spot, or just simply ask for their help. This needs to be done secretively and with caution. Not saying we've had relations or ever will, but our friendship cannot be divulged to the wife, with good reason and I completely understand. This therefore does mean that I now officially have no fallback. I've blogged about my life during the past three years, or the past three years since that blog. Things have been improving, but I find myself not having the ability to trust and depend upon anyone but me. This makes for a real problem if something has to happen to me. What will become of my family, they depend on me and I depend on .... ME.

I can only hope that I live long enough to make sure that they have grown enough and gotten to a stage where they are completely not dependant on me as this is currently causing quite a bit of stress on my part. I'll also cross the "what will I work towards when I have no one to work for" bridge, when I get there. For now, I have something to work towards and people to try appreciating it. We have me and I have them and that's all that matters. I looked for solace in friends as family disappointed me very early on in life. I suppose the ability to choose your friends doesn't help much when they too can be just as conniving and untrustworthy as your family. Also much easier to let go of a friendship than a cousin... no?

I've learned so much with having my life turned upside down, but I need to start rebuilding it and finally realise that I is what is required. My thoughts and actions are kinda leaning in that direction, but I've lost my confidence (I was almost arrogant), my trust (in other people and myself) and my faith (in friends and people). Good natured people don't just become this overnight, they are born and bread that way, I have met some of them, but have also become so suspicious of peoples intention that I haven't allowed anyone to get close enough to hurt me. Ever again, this makes me afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, but I will find that person to share it with, when it suites the both of us.

Right now, the current revelation about the dream has thrown me back into distrust and constant "looking over my shoulder" phase. Nothing is guaranteed anymore, at least not love.

I hope all this makes sense, I cannot re-read but want to publish.

 

World Cup Stuff

The build up to this WC has been excruciating, to say the least. Besides the fact that I have never been interested in local soccer, the last time I actually watched avidly or had a favourite team was during the Ryan Giggs’ phase... yes – I realise my age... and yes – I watched English League Soccer with my dad and brother because frankly, most of the guys could play and Manchester United always beat the crap outta Liverpool, or so it seemed for those matches I took the time to watch.

As World Cup’s went though, I’d ALWAYS watch the final match – also distinctly remember doing some arbitrary chore at a silly hour of the morning when Brazil won the Cup against .... memory fails me, but it was the 90’s, possibly 1994 so please forgive me? I cannot remember the others and for the life of me, if I hadn’t done a competition campaign for the WC in the past month I wouldn’t have known who the reigning champions were either. Why? You may ask... cause I stopped watching for the game and have since watched purely for my own visual satisfaction. WOW! Those bodies are sculpted to absolute perfection, I couldn’t really care what their faces look like as that would just be the cherry on the top, you feel me? [those of the male species would understand my sentiment]

Either way, let’s put it this way – I distinctly remember the moment we heard that the 2010 WC would be held in SA. Now I’m no political genius, actually I participate, watch and read less about the topic than I do soccer. Those guys couldn’t get my attention if they choked me while taking my money and telling me it’s for my own good. Oh wait, they’re already doing that, still – haven’t found any of them even remotely visually stimulating, rather visually vomatible [I know the word does not exist – but if Jade (America’s next top model season who knows ) can make up her own words, so can I]. Also, the most basic price of EVERYTHING has gone up. Alcohol and cigarettes – indulgences – I understand, but food, fuel, gas... why?

Needless to say, I haven’t been particularly patriotic or supportive, just going with the flow type thing. Apparently this city is the liveliest of all in SA at the moment. For the past month, people have had flag’s (of all country’s) sometimes 2 or 3, protruding from their car windows or aerials or both. Nauseating I tellya. Houses, schools and businesses have flags on their properties. Every single f&#ing street corner vendor sold flags, mirror covers, vuvuzela’s (all the memorabilia imaginable), everywhere, in fact they still are. In every single shop, on every single website in every single Mall, SA was making the most – no taking absolutely every single opportunity to exploit this. Every Friday since April... I think... has been dubbed “Soccer Friday” where everyone gets to wear their Bafana Bafana T-Shirt or jersey to work and school. Uuuuum WTF! Seriously.

Problem is, today while driving into work, I saw the most interesting garden display – okay, I have seen this display for weeks already and only today did it actually pull me toward it, make me stop my car and take a picture on my phone, then slowly drive away.

I suddenly felt this overwhelming feeling then heard this voice saying “Dude, the soccer world cup is here! In your country! On your doorstep! Are you actually going to let it pass you by without glancing at it, even just for a little while?” Coincidentally, I get to work and there’s these yellow things on my desk. A beanie and a scarf, in support of our team. I thought that was quite cute, then I get this mini vuvuzela “weird” too. I’m dressed for work, btw – jean’s, smart top and high heeled boots. I’d heard that there was to be a “blowing of vuvuzela’s” in support of our home team and the WC being here. Didn’t have a clue why I had to walk to a parade where the team would be (2min drive from the office = 35min walk in high heeled boots). They were kidding right? WRONG!

We walked, but while doing so, there were other companies, people, households – everyone participating, walking and blowing their vuvuzela’s. Drivers were hooting, passengers and some drivers were blowing their vuvuzela’s too. Apparently there were 185 000 people in our area today, this excludes the other centre's around and out of town.
The atmosphere was awe inspiring and an experience I will never forget. That made me feel a tinge of sadness when we returned to the office, but my legs and feet who were carrying me completely ungraciously toward our destination, were certainly grateful for the end of the torturous journey.

It was the first time I had actually participated and supported (just a tad) something for and in SA. I was born and raised here, but I never wanted to be and for the first time in my life, I was actually proud to be South African.

But I wouldn’t post that shit on my Facebook page or tweet about it.

When we finally got back to the office, I sat down to try regain feeling and relieve the pain in my calves and feet when I read a news post that some foreign journalists were held up at gun point in their lodge last night. Well, that was the extent and end of my good deed for the month. I did my duty as a South African and remembered why it pains me to think of what some of our leaders are doing to this wonderful country. The one I had to learn [the hard ugly way] to appreciate and treasure.

I’ll not try predict the winning team, but definitely cannot wait to see Italy, Brazil, Germany and Spain’s hotties all sweaty and gorgeous in those short pants. Damn... the leg muscle, OMG – when they take their shirts off and reveal their abs and that special muscle at the bottom which induces involuntary salivation. Haven’t a clue what it’s called though - I call it the “OMG you have that sexy muscle!” muscle. Maybe I’ll actually watch the opening match this time... we get off work early either way so may as well check it out as most conversations have some kind of soccer connotation to them lately... Wonder the fuck why?

Learning... Lessons

Over the past few years things have been really really difficult to deal with. The only solution I had was to carry on carrying on. Don't let anything get you down and get through what needed to be got through.

Unfortunately, you get to the point where you're carrying yourself through yourself. Meaning, everything is dealt with on the surface and looks good to the world and those around you, but really... you never made any progress. Shock took over and got you through most stuff, but not the crux of it.

I believe there are reason's why things are the way they are and why those things are sometimes the only reason you are able to adapt and survive, like a prep school of sorts for knowledge of self awareness to deal with whatever lies ahead.

Now here comes the weird part. So you've been though something drastic or semi-crappy in order to prepare you for the next bigger deal you'll have to sort out. Some of these lessons are truly what you make of them and others - well others seem to come back over and over again. I must admit though... when something returns after the storm, its not as hard to deal with - its just more irritating and frustrating. Thinking you've already learned that lesson, hoping it would never return, not going the full circle. Things, people, situations cross your path for a reason, and if people and things aren't there to stay or return, why do situations? Have you not learned your lesson? Maybe there are different people and things set in the same context as the previous situation and it seems seperate to you because the person or thing is different? I really don't know.

Just hope that one day whatever I have gone through will assist someone in not going through the same thing, or not making the same mistakes I made. If they are anything like me though, learning from experience is best - the only problem with that is sometimes the lesson wasn't worth the experience. I once had a boss who spoke to me about regret, it may have been a quick conversation over a smoke, but it is something that has stayed with me and helped me through alot. All she said was "Never regret anything you have chosen to do". She was right ofcourse. If you chose it, it certainly made sense for you to make that decision at that time. So if you're going to do something, do it knowing you won't regret it later.

What I can say is I don't want the full circle on most of my life, there are things that shouldn't ever be dredged up again. There are certain people I would love to have back in my life, even though I know from experience that that lesson was learnt the hard way and they are definitely not meant to be part of my life anymore. Maybe I just miss them and just want to be reminded that I don't always have to be the strong one.

I just have to be me.

Three Oh! Noooo!

At the age of 12 my world came crashing down - courtesy of my 'wonderful' father. At 16 I walked head on into a brick wall by having a baby with a very bad man. 3 Years later I was dumb enough to have another - with the same dumbass.

I promised never to let my kids think I was superwoman and have them rebel against who I really was. But there are some things you don't want them to know, this is a two edged sword though. Yes, I have relations with the guys I see, sometimes I don't even see them - really just have relations. They can never know that though and can only make their own assumptions when they get much much older. I was totally afraid to tell them how old I was when I had them too.
They will not be introduced to any man unless I think he is worthy of them (haven't met a single guy to date). When my niece (7) found out I had a boyfriend, she look bewildered then said, matter of factly "But you already have children" lol.

The thing is kids cannot cope with certain emotions, they haven't learned to reason properly and cannot understand the ways of the world when they are that innocent. Being a teenager was so confusing, then I had babies halfway through which confused this even more.

Its a few days after my big three oh and apparently its supposed to be the best time of your live. Used to be your 20's but I didn't really live those years, I just existed. Maybe I'm being my sceptical PMSy self again, but I still feel like that confused teenager, accept I haven't the inclination to take on the world which boils down to just being confused. This I cannot afford, my son has just started high school, they need me to be the strong mother figure now and all I want is to stop being so alone in my world. Really want someone I can dump on and no longer be restricted by other people's insecurities, irrationalities and needs.

So don't dig being an adult and thats all I wanted when I was young (having a baby at 16 didn't say that loud enough!). It's so taxing, the trivialites of certain people's lives seem so mundane and there are those who thrive on gossip, or nagging, or interference. Whatever it may be, it seems most people are either happy with where they have found themselves (the more mature 'ppl'... as in old) or they've matured to such a degree that wisdom has taught them to accept their fate.

Fighting what happens to you when you are unable to change it makes for a rather miserable existence. Acceptance could be the key, but that would also be settling. Maybe a mind alteration is order, actually that should be the order of the day. This unfortunately is easier said than done. I search for that happy place, but only find moments of excitement.

Something's gotta give and this will have to be my state of mind or the next 30 years of my life will feel as wasted as the last.