This is about me

This blog is about ME. This blog is the reason I've grown so much in the past year or so. This blog has become my "go to" - my friend.

Why? I have no friends, I wouldn't ever let on who I really am for fear of the abuse I may get if someone I know or who I've written about actually read this. Had a dream about a snake the other day. Now, many people aren't into dream translation and astrology but I truly am (more the dream thing). Either way, this viper as it were, was just looking at me and hissing. Most dream dictionary's will say that its a friend or partner who is really viciously trying to take you down (as with the serpent in the Garden of Eden). This is quite true, frankly, whether you've actually looked it up, a snake ain't the best sign of great fortune and never will be. 

So, I tell my mom, as always... and her response "you don't have any friends, you aren't really seeing anyone so it's gotta be someone you work with or work related. Let's hope it hasn't anything to do with the kids". Uuuum, "you don't have any friends"?... the problem with this is that my answer was, "mm-mm, I know - well we'll have to wait and see." WTF?

I found out what it was for eventually and this thing didn't happen to me, it happened to someone quite close - I cannot divulge any information as it may give something away should they stumble upon this post, but the crux of the matter is - most courses, self help books, inspirational speakers, etc,. mention that everyone should have a support system, not only as a single parent, but as a human being. Without friends, you may sometimes look to family or acquaintances for this.  And the unfortunate event made in possible for my only other "support system" to be removed from my life, once again - without my intervention or choice.

Okay, I may have one or two - but they aren't openly available to assist me. Married friends - males - whom I cannot call when in a tight spot, or just simply ask for their help. This needs to be done secretively and with caution. Not saying we've had relations or ever will, but our friendship cannot be divulged to the wife, with good reason and I completely understand. This therefore does mean that I now officially have no fallback. I've blogged about my life during the past three years, or the past three years since that blog. Things have been improving, but I find myself not having the ability to trust and depend upon anyone but me. This makes for a real problem if something has to happen to me. What will become of my family, they depend on me and I depend on .... ME.

I can only hope that I live long enough to make sure that they have grown enough and gotten to a stage where they are completely not dependant on me as this is currently causing quite a bit of stress on my part. I'll also cross the "what will I work towards when I have no one to work for" bridge, when I get there. For now, I have something to work towards and people to try appreciating it. We have me and I have them and that's all that matters. I looked for solace in friends as family disappointed me very early on in life. I suppose the ability to choose your friends doesn't help much when they too can be just as conniving and untrustworthy as your family. Also much easier to let go of a friendship than a cousin... no?

I've learned so much with having my life turned upside down, but I need to start rebuilding it and finally realise that I is what is required. My thoughts and actions are kinda leaning in that direction, but I've lost my confidence (I was almost arrogant), my trust (in other people and myself) and my faith (in friends and people). Good natured people don't just become this overnight, they are born and bread that way, I have met some of them, but have also become so suspicious of peoples intention that I haven't allowed anyone to get close enough to hurt me. Ever again, this makes me afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, but I will find that person to share it with, when it suites the both of us.

Right now, the current revelation about the dream has thrown me back into distrust and constant "looking over my shoulder" phase. Nothing is guaranteed anymore, at least not love.

I hope all this makes sense, I cannot re-read but want to publish.