Seriously need to beautify my blog, make it more interesting for me to want to look at, but all that takes time, something I haven't had much of lately.
Just moved house - AGAIN - due to the joyess economy, I couldn't afford my place and took up living in a friends place which is really big and cosy... but rather out of sorts and hectically far from everything we're used to (see previous post for example). This not so little (funny, I used to say that bout my last, hot boyfriend) 'problem' I was to face when moving in, has blossomed (sarcastically through gritted teeth) into making the place characteristically livable.
Life coulda been a little simpler, but alas - that is not an option - coulda, woulda, shoulda just doesn't do it for me. I have my family to take care of and that is all my choice. While chatting to a friend on Skype the other day and she mentioned (once again, something I get alot from many different friends, people, aquintances,etc.)that she was worried about me, with everything happening in my life at the moment, things must be tough. This is how my life has been and changing the outcome of every situation or getting history not to repeat itself has sometimes broken me into such little pieces that I've even written a small metophoric 'release' if you may on what it feels like. This will come later and I seriously drift. Back to the subject at hand, my friend is going through something I'd never want to experience, although most poeple never want to experience what I've gone through - hers is something scary and way too emotionally challenging for me. Unfortunately the details are personal and cannot be published so all I can say is that everything changed in a split second for her and her family. She mentioned this but still said how much she worries about me.
Now, as we are currently not suited to encourage each other, these negative feelings were not going to help her any. Also, it upsets me sometimes that people care so much for others when their own lives are in a mess - yes I may sound selfish, but don't get me wrong, I appreciate her caring and care very deeply for them - she just shouldn't worry about me but instead herself, which - as I blatanly mentioned to her - wasn't by choice.
It was my choice though to fall pregnant (maybe not so much a choice) and never finish high school, have another child (again, not so much a choice), leave the looser, cancel the wedding and go it alone all before the age of 20. Move out on my own to raise my boys as I saw fit and later take my mom in when she left my dad (took her long enough).
Been single and mingling for many years, don't take guys home ever(we go to their place if they are old enough to have one of thier own, preferably with their own room - that just sounds terrible - but these encounters are few and far between and merely imply that my blood is still runs warm), work twice as hard for half the pay because I have no degree and obviously nobody cares that I have a brain.
The offspring equals 1x puberty stricken (just gone) teenager with raging hormones and for kicks 'Megan Fox Syndrome' (std male reaction: Eyes glaze over while mouth curves into covetous smirk with drool dripping all over) great combo, 1x pre-puberty - more like can we please clear up the total confusion - almost teen, funny little lad too. 1x mom who's left breastless (hehehe - sorry can't help myself), literally and figuratively while chemo seems to be rendering her senile - not sure what age she would be under these circumstances - feels like another teen with memory loss and well, the 20something with wrinkles and grey hair in the wrong places, needing to start all over again for the millionth time - all living together in ignorant bliss (I say bliss in the hope that it evades you to my current discomfort).
So the need to explain to 1xfamily above that our current circumstances are beyond even my control after having them believe that I and I alone (by the grace of God) control mine and their destiny for now, has become a daunting task to say the least. And as everyone is emotionally unstable - teen, pre-teen, senile and seeming depressive - this is really hard to comprehend. Why I (the seemingly depressive, emotionally unstable head of the house) cannot explain this to them should really speak for itself. The good thing, which shouldn't really be a good thing, is the whole world is in the same economic situation. And for this time only - to start over again - seems a little less traumatic (doesn't feel it)than the times before, as I have a sense of not being totally alone (some of the time).
Starting a new job on Monday, not sure when I'll have time to blog again, but so stoked that this may bring a twinkle at the end of my long, dark, luming tunnel.
Catch you on the flip side, peeps!!!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Timid Road Raging
After several years of avoiding any kind of traffic, living within in a 10km radius of school and work, driving (walking - when the car was stolen/broken/stupid) less than 20km's a day and most recently 9-12km's in total - this included; taking boys to school, going to work, picking them up, taking them home, going back to work and then returning home. I now bypass all my previous places of residence and go TOwards my most recent residence (too much of a reality check to count but think its approx 15km's 1 way) then drive to temporary job assignment - result of retrenchment - which is around 10-15 km's in the opposite direction of the said school - bypassing yet another previous place of residence.
Upon leaving my nest 7-8yrs ago, I vowed NEVER ... ever... to be in the car for more than an hour at a time if it could at all be helped. Possibly because I absolutely hate, no no despise - okay... vehemently abhor, traffic.
Wanna see this crazily bubbly person morph into a gargantuan bitch in 2 seconds flat? Put me in bumper to bumper traffic at 10km's an hr - clutch leg (left) having a minor seizure, protruding vein (my offspring nonchalantly refer to it as "The Harry Potter scar") pumping uncontrolably while an incompetent female... soccer mom... wanna be driver... escorts her little brats to daycare at 5km's p/h, never hesitating to stop before every single turn!!!!! WHy licenses are issued to these clearly inadequate road abusers, are beyond my natural understanding!!!
All the while hearing these weird voices - "They can't hear you", "Who are you speaking to?", "Please stop cursing?", "I don't think the car understood you", sounds vaguely familiar - that's it - my offspring! they need to get to school in one piece and possibly be raised in a non-violent, non-cusing environment. Why I decided NOT to smoke in the car&house with my wonderful family members present is beyond even me???? ... oh ... yes, in an effort to kill only myself while enjoying my only vice! Blows I tellya.
The trek to work from school is slightly less challenging accept I don't seem to hear those voices any longer... think all the soccer mom's have gone shopping and my "vice" happily burns between my fingers.
We retrace this route every afternoon - afraid how painful this journey may be when pms arrives. S'pose I'll cross that bridge when we get there and we're not far off.
Just for the record, I only say how stupid they are (cause really - most cars are) and seldomly swear... out loud, tail - seriously close to - excrutiatingly slow cars and never give the finger (no really - petite is not scary). Although I'm sure they sense my frustration when checking their rear view mirrors. Also, my dad taught me to drive and I do know when people are with stupid because I handle my shite better than alot of men.
Optimistic thought: Tomorrow will be better and I'll get used to it ... eventually! Ye - in about 5 minutes.
Thanks for sharing my bitching session.
Cheese: Sharing is Caring
Upon leaving my nest 7-8yrs ago, I vowed NEVER ... ever... to be in the car for more than an hour at a time if it could at all be helped. Possibly because I absolutely hate, no no despise - okay... vehemently abhor, traffic.
Wanna see this crazily bubbly person morph into a gargantuan bitch in 2 seconds flat? Put me in bumper to bumper traffic at 10km's an hr - clutch leg (left) having a minor seizure, protruding vein (my offspring nonchalantly refer to it as "The Harry Potter scar") pumping uncontrolably while an incompetent female... soccer mom... wanna be driver... escorts her little brats to daycare at 5km's p/h, never hesitating to stop before every single turn!!!!! WHy licenses are issued to these clearly inadequate road abusers, are beyond my natural understanding!!!
All the while hearing these weird voices - "They can't hear you", "Who are you speaking to?", "Please stop cursing?", "I don't think the car understood you", sounds vaguely familiar - that's it - my offspring! they need to get to school in one piece and possibly be raised in a non-violent, non-cusing environment. Why I decided NOT to smoke in the car&house with my wonderful family members present is beyond even me???? ... oh ... yes, in an effort to kill only myself while enjoying my only vice! Blows I tellya.
The trek to work from school is slightly less challenging accept I don't seem to hear those voices any longer... think all the soccer mom's have gone shopping and my "vice" happily burns between my fingers.
We retrace this route every afternoon - afraid how painful this journey may be when pms arrives. S'pose I'll cross that bridge when we get there and we're not far off.
Just for the record, I only say how stupid they are (cause really - most cars are) and seldomly swear... out loud, tail - seriously close to - excrutiatingly slow cars and never give the finger (no really - petite is not scary). Although I'm sure they sense my frustration when checking their rear view mirrors. Also, my dad taught me to drive and I do know when people are with stupid because I handle my shite better than alot of men.
Optimistic thought: Tomorrow will be better and I'll get used to it ... eventually! Ye - in about 5 minutes.
Thanks for sharing my bitching session.
Cheese: Sharing is Caring
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Desperately WaCko!
Time = Birth! Life! Death! Eternity!
My youngest son asked whether ppl had already forgotten about Michael Jackson so soon after his death? Being that he's interest in the news - whether on radio or TV - is as minimal as mine, we tend to listen to it while on our way to school and work in the morning and this was a long weekend. Needless to say, we hadn't heard a word about him in a while accept that he has not been layed to rest as yet.
Funnily enough the episode of Desperate Housewives immediately after this seemingly innocent question, had the same connotation "Life is what you make of it". Not to mention the post by a blogger last week about being "Over the Hill". This brought on the frightful reminder that life is blatantly and quite rudely, short.
Is it a sign that one should just accept what is happening in life and try liking it- even enjoy it if you must - so that at some pivotal point you have every right to say those fateful words "Life is what you make of it"? I can complain all I want, throw my toys and still get the same result, its a cache 22 situtation. Something or nothing - whichever applies - will happen whether or not you want or will it to. Obviously this refers to my previous post (Control is an illusion ... ) we all try making the most of life - sometimes though - lifes curveballs are fast and continuous... leaving very little to enjoy.
WAcko JAcko! poor dude - lived a lonely, intrusive, crazy yet amazing life - in my opinion. Almost every kid on the planet for the past 40 years or so wished they'd had that kind of fame and/or aspired to it. But did anyone look at the life this man/boy lead? He had all the money in the world, every person possible knew who he was - how'd he buy toilet paper? Luckily he wasn't a chick - can you imagine desperately needing a tampon when everyone knows who you are? In his life, that would make the freaken tabloids - how bloody sad (excuse the pun).
He tried to make the best of life - but alas, there were times when nothing he said or did changed the outcome of a particular life altering situation - even for him "The King of Pop". Some like to think he lived a fascinating existence and died alone - we'll never know.
The point is, he will not be forgotten - ever! But we mere mortals, aaah we mere, ignorant, insaciable, ungrateful mortals. Will we be remembered by those we treasure in our every day lives? Or will they be relieved for your dissipated return to earth's dust?
I am the absolute best mom I can be, it’s nothing close to the perfect one you read about or see on TV, quite possibly the farthest thing from it. The boys know they’ll either find socks in their drawers or clean laundry basket or still waiting to be washed. Not clear cut and seriously not trying to be Supermom (so not domesticated its beyond hilarious) but one thing’s for sure - I love my boys completely unconditionally, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them if I could and I want them out of my house as soon as they are of college going age. That’s less than a decade and counting - whoohooo!
All I want is that they never forget how much I love them when I’m gone. That, in it self, will be the greatest feat and worth my entire life, should it end this very day. It will also be what I made of my life - no?
My youngest son asked whether ppl had already forgotten about Michael Jackson so soon after his death? Being that he's interest in the news - whether on radio or TV - is as minimal as mine, we tend to listen to it while on our way to school and work in the morning and this was a long weekend. Needless to say, we hadn't heard a word about him in a while accept that he has not been layed to rest as yet.
Funnily enough the episode of Desperate Housewives immediately after this seemingly innocent question, had the same connotation "Life is what you make of it". Not to mention the post by a blogger last week about being "Over the Hill". This brought on the frightful reminder that life is blatantly and quite rudely, short.
Is it a sign that one should just accept what is happening in life and try liking it- even enjoy it if you must - so that at some pivotal point you have every right to say those fateful words "Life is what you make of it"? I can complain all I want, throw my toys and still get the same result, its a cache 22 situtation. Something or nothing - whichever applies - will happen whether or not you want or will it to. Obviously this refers to my previous post (Control is an illusion ... ) we all try making the most of life - sometimes though - lifes curveballs are fast and continuous... leaving very little to enjoy.
WAcko JAcko! poor dude - lived a lonely, intrusive, crazy yet amazing life - in my opinion. Almost every kid on the planet for the past 40 years or so wished they'd had that kind of fame and/or aspired to it. But did anyone look at the life this man/boy lead? He had all the money in the world, every person possible knew who he was - how'd he buy toilet paper? Luckily he wasn't a chick - can you imagine desperately needing a tampon when everyone knows who you are? In his life, that would make the freaken tabloids - how bloody sad (excuse the pun).
He tried to make the best of life - but alas, there were times when nothing he said or did changed the outcome of a particular life altering situation - even for him "The King of Pop". Some like to think he lived a fascinating existence and died alone - we'll never know.
The point is, he will not be forgotten - ever! But we mere mortals, aaah we mere, ignorant, insaciable, ungrateful mortals. Will we be remembered by those we treasure in our every day lives? Or will they be relieved for your dissipated return to earth's dust?
I am the absolute best mom I can be, it’s nothing close to the perfect one you read about or see on TV, quite possibly the farthest thing from it. The boys know they’ll either find socks in their drawers or clean laundry basket or still waiting to be washed. Not clear cut and seriously not trying to be Supermom (so not domesticated its beyond hilarious) but one thing’s for sure - I love my boys completely unconditionally, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them if I could and I want them out of my house as soon as they are of college going age. That’s less than a decade and counting - whoohooo!
All I want is that they never forget how much I love them when I’m gone. That, in it self, will be the greatest feat and worth my entire life, should it end this very day. It will also be what I made of my life - no?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Control is an illusion
Maybe its more of a DILLUSION, who knows.
Control (Definition: the situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another) shouldn't even be a word associated with anything other than the physical ability to manipulate an object without a single doubt.
Look back on your life and think how many things you were able to control, really. You wake up happy - with the best intentions of having a good day, being kind to everyone and getting things done - k some days at least. The series of events to follow are so... completely... out of your control its scary. It could go either way 1. the best day you've ever had 2. quite possibly the worst day ever 3. the same ole crap you had yesterday.
Simple example: planning out a day of necessary shopping - groceries, flowers, some material to fix the arb repair and renting a movie before heading home to get dinner ready for the kids/husband/self.
First store is stuffy - think the aircon is out of order - its cold out so you've made sure that there's no room for a sneaky wind to get in (head starts spinning and your underarms feel clammy and cold) but the world will end at 2 in the morning if there is no paper in the loo. The queue is seriously long and people are standing in line for friends while they pick up something else - so uncool.
Finally, out of there - in the airconditioned mall corridor, core temperature normalises yet there's a tinge of pain in your eye for the sudden change and your armpits feel even colder now. Next on the list is the florist - who needs the aircon to half freeze those flowers in order to keep them fresh while your body seems to repel this change in temperature once again by stabbing you behind the still throbbing eye.
All is well - the flowers are great - couldn't grandma have a birthday at a better time of year? You get to the pay point and forget your cards pin number (which has never happened before) so you try another card - where a pin is not required therefore increasing your outstanding credit balance.
You make it out before icicles form on your forehead and realise that the car is parked on the far side of the mall closer to the first store - was a great idea at the time, especially since your socks looked more comfortable when they weren't trying to dig into your big toe.
Oh yes! Made it to the parking lot - find the car, put the groceries in the boot and proceed to drive to the Movie rental place - but there seems to be a hold up, let's take a left here and go around. Oh!!! My!!! Hat!!! A roadblock and all exits have been closed.
Light up a smoke and wait to get pulled over because as we all know, it wouldn't happen this way if you didn't have an outstanding fine. 47min Later, you're about to drive straight through - when Mr Police Officerman signals for you to park your car on the side of the road, great! Smile, panic, look normal, no... look worried, no... fain dementia, crap... he's here. After much pleading, he sends you off with a verbal warning to pay those fines (and get the food home for your ageing gran)... Pheeeew!
Awesomest, get to the movie rental place and obviously - because you were stuck in traffic for the longest most excruciating time - they've rented your booked movie to someone ELSE! Breathe... slowly... find something else. Its cold, raining and no-ones out - but all the good movies are. Take something classic - pay and get the hell outta there. But wait... can't be that easy can it ... the damned scanner isn't working properly and everytime you try walking out the door the alarm goes off.
This delays you a few more minutes, the clerk is really sweet and suggests you go straight home without making any more stops. You agree wholeheartedly and leave quietly.
The trip home is less daunting and you make it in one piece. The day could have gone either way - The above could have taken 2 hours at most and you would be in time to cook up a storm, enjoy the dinner party you planned and get to bed early/wired enough to feel fresh again the next morning - but that would have been uneventful.
I've had a few days where everything that could possibly go wrong, did! One of which is still the worst day of my life, but as I get older I realise its only part of living your life - wouldn't it be boring otherwise.
Unfortunately its not that justifiable when it happens to the big things in your life, or affects them in such a way that you have to completely change strategies to accommodate these UNCONTROLLABLE events.
Later peeps.
Control (Definition: the situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another) shouldn't even be a word associated with anything other than the physical ability to manipulate an object without a single doubt.
Look back on your life and think how many things you were able to control, really. You wake up happy - with the best intentions of having a good day, being kind to everyone and getting things done - k some days at least. The series of events to follow are so... completely... out of your control its scary. It could go either way 1. the best day you've ever had 2. quite possibly the worst day ever 3. the same ole crap you had yesterday.
Simple example: planning out a day of necessary shopping - groceries, flowers, some material to fix the arb repair and renting a movie before heading home to get dinner ready for the kids/husband/self.
First store is stuffy - think the aircon is out of order - its cold out so you've made sure that there's no room for a sneaky wind to get in (head starts spinning and your underarms feel clammy and cold) but the world will end at 2 in the morning if there is no paper in the loo. The queue is seriously long and people are standing in line for friends while they pick up something else - so uncool.
Finally, out of there - in the airconditioned mall corridor, core temperature normalises yet there's a tinge of pain in your eye for the sudden change and your armpits feel even colder now. Next on the list is the florist - who needs the aircon to half freeze those flowers in order to keep them fresh while your body seems to repel this change in temperature once again by stabbing you behind the still throbbing eye.
All is well - the flowers are great - couldn't grandma have a birthday at a better time of year? You get to the pay point and forget your cards pin number (which has never happened before) so you try another card - where a pin is not required therefore increasing your outstanding credit balance.
You make it out before icicles form on your forehead and realise that the car is parked on the far side of the mall closer to the first store - was a great idea at the time, especially since your socks looked more comfortable when they weren't trying to dig into your big toe.
Oh yes! Made it to the parking lot - find the car, put the groceries in the boot and proceed to drive to the Movie rental place - but there seems to be a hold up, let's take a left here and go around. Oh!!! My!!! Hat!!! A roadblock and all exits have been closed.
Light up a smoke and wait to get pulled over because as we all know, it wouldn't happen this way if you didn't have an outstanding fine. 47min Later, you're about to drive straight through - when Mr Police Officerman signals for you to park your car on the side of the road, great! Smile, panic, look normal, no... look worried, no... fain dementia, crap... he's here. After much pleading, he sends you off with a verbal warning to pay those fines (and get the food home for your ageing gran)... Pheeeew!
Awesomest, get to the movie rental place and obviously - because you were stuck in traffic for the longest most excruciating time - they've rented your booked movie to someone ELSE! Breathe... slowly... find something else. Its cold, raining and no-ones out - but all the good movies are. Take something classic - pay and get the hell outta there. But wait... can't be that easy can it ... the damned scanner isn't working properly and everytime you try walking out the door the alarm goes off.
This delays you a few more minutes, the clerk is really sweet and suggests you go straight home without making any more stops. You agree wholeheartedly and leave quietly.
The trip home is less daunting and you make it in one piece. The day could have gone either way - The above could have taken 2 hours at most and you would be in time to cook up a storm, enjoy the dinner party you planned and get to bed early/wired enough to feel fresh again the next morning - but that would have been uneventful.
I've had a few days where everything that could possibly go wrong, did! One of which is still the worst day of my life, but as I get older I realise its only part of living your life - wouldn't it be boring otherwise.
Unfortunately its not that justifiable when it happens to the big things in your life, or affects them in such a way that you have to completely change strategies to accommodate these UNCONTROLLABLE events.
Later peeps.
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