Yes, I really am. After the miscarriage, I cannot lose the weight I put on during the pregnancy. When I had my kids over 10 years ago, by the 8th week I could at least squeeze back into my mid to fat clothes (fat clothes are for that time of the month). I've now had to purchase more clothes in order to dress.
Problem is, I cannot afford to replace my entire wardrobe. Beside the fact that it took a few years to gather some of my most precious garments, I haven't been able to wear them properly for almost 5 months and this is absolutely Killing me. Doesn't do much in helping with my current state of mind, not that I'm all suicidal or extremely depressed, just positively down in the dumps. This time though, having gained a little weight isn't as bad a thing as usual, okay thats a lie, its horrible accept for one small interesting developement. Its made my face fuller and gets me more attention.
Now, how to play that down? - I fucking hate my middle juggling with each step, hate the feeling of knowing which butt cheek is moving in which direction when I walk and undressing in a fitting room at any store reveals the worst marks I could ever imagine being on my "being".
My hair is dry and unmanageable, skin is taught, dry and wrinkled, have pimples sprouting out in the oddest of places and this really funny disgusting looking blotches of dry skin all over my fucking body. WTF is going on? Isn't it enough that I'm mourning the loss of my twenties, relationship, child and mind should I be subject to the loss of my body as I've known it as well?
Wait, that's everything - I have lost "Me" - this would be the time I usually look inward, become introspective - or try to deal - but seriously (there are more things that are just... not right). Its not like things have gone horribly wrong, they've just dissipated. Like one morning I woke up and just knew that I was no longer pregnant = walking around with dead fetus in stomach.One morning I just woke up and didn't recognise the person looking back at me in any of the mirrors, the voice was different, the person? no longer there. How can someone be so present yet so totally and completely lost.
There's not much to look forward to anymore and not only will my body need to be rebuilt, my mind and soul need a recap, a regrouping - the voices are gone and I miss them.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
The choice is mine....
Suppose there where many opportunities in the world and all you had to do was grab one, let it take you where it wants and if it isn't to your liking, just grab another one and see where you get to.
That's an interesting concept if it really existed - I'd have be the first on that bandwagon, as my previous post suggests - opportunity doesn't fall into everyone's lap, also - if they go out looking for it its usually not as satisfying as they thought it would be. But never has there been a lack of trying or optimistic drive. I'm definitely driven and motivated, all I need is the opportunity to be there for me to grab with both hands.
So I'm being honest with myself and others starting today, I'm over the hill and there is very little to loose at this point. As stated in my last post, things are unraveling and trying to fall apart again. Not this freaken time Karma, or Murphy or whoever the fuck you are. Just had it with this crap, I want a career and a good salary, something that satisfies me to the core, something to build on or move on from should it not work out according to plan and I will find it. This time though, I'm not going to hold on tooo tight, it's just going to work out, create more opportunity and extend for the rest of my physical life on this earth.
I'm not willing for the next 30years to fly by undetected and boring as the previous 30. No longer will I be put down for the lack of a degree, I will not longer accept being tamed. Just because I was brought up being put down all the time doesn't mean I'm not incredibly curious - does mean though that I'm not as outspoken as should be - undeniably intelligent, systematic and get the job done without stabbing anyone in the back.
I have to start a proper blog in my real name (damn) which you won't be able to read as I cannot share what I share here. I will though be blogging more often, if I don't get an outlet for this frustration it's may just blow up in my face again. It won't be too personal as its mainly to advertise my writing skills (which have been put down ever so often). I used to be easily discouraged, but that is over now.
As mentioned to my son yesterday, I do not have to answer to anyone, get permission from anyone or get twenty-questioned every step of every way. This is my attitude now, I will give when I want and take what is given if it suites me.
The choice is really mine ... was just always afraid of being rejected, put down and criticized because there's been so much of it my entire life. To hell with the rest of them, I have one life, if I don't' live it I'm the only one who will have any regrets and that is something I'm never doing again.
That's an interesting concept if it really existed - I'd have be the first on that bandwagon, as my previous post suggests - opportunity doesn't fall into everyone's lap, also - if they go out looking for it its usually not as satisfying as they thought it would be. But never has there been a lack of trying or optimistic drive. I'm definitely driven and motivated, all I need is the opportunity to be there for me to grab with both hands.
So I'm being honest with myself and others starting today, I'm over the hill and there is very little to loose at this point. As stated in my last post, things are unraveling and trying to fall apart again. Not this freaken time Karma, or Murphy or whoever the fuck you are. Just had it with this crap, I want a career and a good salary, something that satisfies me to the core, something to build on or move on from should it not work out according to plan and I will find it. This time though, I'm not going to hold on tooo tight, it's just going to work out, create more opportunity and extend for the rest of my physical life on this earth.
I'm not willing for the next 30years to fly by undetected and boring as the previous 30. No longer will I be put down for the lack of a degree, I will not longer accept being tamed. Just because I was brought up being put down all the time doesn't mean I'm not incredibly curious - does mean though that I'm not as outspoken as should be - undeniably intelligent, systematic and get the job done without stabbing anyone in the back.
I have to start a proper blog in my real name (damn) which you won't be able to read as I cannot share what I share here. I will though be blogging more often, if I don't get an outlet for this frustration it's may just blow up in my face again. It won't be too personal as its mainly to advertise my writing skills (which have been put down ever so often). I used to be easily discouraged, but that is over now.
As mentioned to my son yesterday, I do not have to answer to anyone, get permission from anyone or get twenty-questioned every step of every way. This is my attitude now, I will give when I want and take what is given if it suites me.
The choice is really mine ... was just always afraid of being rejected, put down and criticized because there's been so much of it my entire life. To hell with the rest of them, I have one life, if I don't' live it I'm the only one who will have any regrets and that is something I'm never doing again.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Whatever shall I do?
Life's been just GREAT! After my last post - where I completely and totally relay my feelings on pregnancy and goals and not reaching it, well. I get the surprise of my life and miscarry, then while I'm going through this and everything else in my life (admittedly some things seem to be getting better, just expensive) uuuum I hear word that my "career" may be stumped prematurely. Now what?
I rant about not being appreciated and in fact the steady flow of no money and more work means I am not underappreciated, instead it may turn out that I could be an extra resource and therefore no longer required. How does one feel about something this.... big - is it big? At this point in one's life, career isn't something you should be worrying about, this is usally where people start having children, their careers have been sorted, their relationships are relatively stable and they are independant selfless parents or parents to be. I've definitely done things the wrong way round, and yes it could benefit me in the long run - but during the run - not so much. How about the kids, shame they said the other day that things just seem to go wrong for them or for us and it affects them.
I'm no longer living by the premise that good and bad things happen to certain people, constantly. Like if good things come to you they usually tend to appear out of nowhere, same with the latter. I can't live like that any longer - good things have happened to me over the years - yes I've had to work hard to keep it good, in fact worked real hard just to make it happen, but that's not the issue. It's being able to maintain a type of momentum without thinking too much about the things that actually happen on their own. There are many people around the world who just cannot get out of a slump - they keep thinking "this always happens to me" feel sorry for themselves and let it take over.
Feeling sorry for myself ain't gonna cut it any longer, okay - just for a little while I'm gonna ignore it - since its almost my birthday and I really just want to try be happy on that day (NOT). Might as well enjoy celebrating SOMEthing. Either way, my budget will see to itself until the next paycheck and my career will have to be put in check. Planning will need to take place and the prospect of rejection will need to be prep'd for.
Once all that is working I may actually want to have another relationship or hopefully a good one finds its way to me because I seriously don't have the time to go looking for that - especially since I have the worst selection. Until then, well its back to the grind - no comfort zone ever liked my presence so the drawing board calls for some increased chalk action.
To the chalk and beyond - maybe I'll be able to fit some blogging into all of that. Been so hectic walking in circles I haven't looked up to see the same landmark. But I've seen my own footprint in the sand and that's gotta stop.
Laters
I rant about not being appreciated and in fact the steady flow of no money and more work means I am not underappreciated, instead it may turn out that I could be an extra resource and therefore no longer required. How does one feel about something this.... big - is it big? At this point in one's life, career isn't something you should be worrying about, this is usally where people start having children, their careers have been sorted, their relationships are relatively stable and they are independant selfless parents or parents to be. I've definitely done things the wrong way round, and yes it could benefit me in the long run - but during the run - not so much. How about the kids, shame they said the other day that things just seem to go wrong for them or for us and it affects them.
I'm no longer living by the premise that good and bad things happen to certain people, constantly. Like if good things come to you they usually tend to appear out of nowhere, same with the latter. I can't live like that any longer - good things have happened to me over the years - yes I've had to work hard to keep it good, in fact worked real hard just to make it happen, but that's not the issue. It's being able to maintain a type of momentum without thinking too much about the things that actually happen on their own. There are many people around the world who just cannot get out of a slump - they keep thinking "this always happens to me" feel sorry for themselves and let it take over.
Feeling sorry for myself ain't gonna cut it any longer, okay - just for a little while I'm gonna ignore it - since its almost my birthday and I really just want to try be happy on that day (NOT). Might as well enjoy celebrating SOMEthing. Either way, my budget will see to itself until the next paycheck and my career will have to be put in check. Planning will need to take place and the prospect of rejection will need to be prep'd for.
Once all that is working I may actually want to have another relationship or hopefully a good one finds its way to me because I seriously don't have the time to go looking for that - especially since I have the worst selection. Until then, well its back to the grind - no comfort zone ever liked my presence so the drawing board calls for some increased chalk action.
To the chalk and beyond - maybe I'll be able to fit some blogging into all of that. Been so hectic walking in circles I haven't looked up to see the same landmark. But I've seen my own footprint in the sand and that's gotta stop.
Laters
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