In Chinese culture, (please do not quote me on this) the chinese try their utmost to have a baby in the Year of the Dragon, as it is a good omen. Most successful entepreneurs were born in a Dragon Year.
It is also quite a lucky year for most of the world - projects should come to fruition and if you really believe in this, the year will bring luck to all who have worked towards a goal prior to it.
I haven't blogged for the duration of my time at my current place of work, not only because I was absolutely busy with something that had very little to do with what I have been working towards but because I just had no means of doing this. Which, in reality is such a downside.
When you go out into the world to do or make something of yourself against all odds - and there are odds - the only thing that is certain, is that your attitude will determine your circumstance. No matter where you are, how you are and what you are, how you perceive where, how and what is ultimately the deciding factor.
I have since - in the last 7 months, realised that I just will no longer accept being stepped on. They say your 30's is wonderful, but so far it has been horrible. Why? Because I deserve the recognition I have worked for but am still being treated as though I were in my 20's, which has had me at a point where I wanted it all to just stop.
No one person could ever be beat down so much and continue as if nothing ever happened. They will do one of two things: die or fight back. The problem is, in order to fight back you have to be on the verge of dying. Such a tragedy.
If there is one thing I can say about life while I'm in a silly spin, is that it can change in a split second. The saying "Youth is wasted on the young" is so true, as you don't realise what is really valuable to you until you are about to lose everything including your most valuable (not material) posessions or persons.
Year of the Dragon or not, this year was going to be a deciding factor in my life at least. Things cannot and should not carry on as they did before, people and surroundings and life have to change in order to survive.
I will not be beat down ever again. That is how it will remain for the duration of my existence on this planet.
I'm happy to be back and will now begin my real blog, as I'm looking to write alot more this time around.
There is no better time than now.
Lols, signing off.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Culmination
Reading over some of the posts I've written, its only logical for me to be writing this today.
Everything has gone crashing down - the depression still creeps up, like it did yesterday but I'm trying to handle it. Its quite difficult at this point though... feels like the more enthusiastic I try be, the more things fall apart.
My "baby" project was cancelled and subsequently closed down, which means
I'm officially unemployed
Officially financially screwedto, before the retrenchment and due to the miscarraige.
Officially been asked to leave my residence
Officially single - I broke this off, couldn't handle another thing happening to me, so I made it happen.
and my son has decided he'd like to be a pothead oneday.
That's just the big stuff, I cannot begin to explain everything that has gone wrong in the past few months, not sure if this is a result of my depression or not. Although thats too easy an explaination for me.
One good thing is that some of my actual writing has been published, its just that it isn't getting the response I had hoped for. Dammit, not good for the already bruised ego right now.
Needless to say, I've decided to put off starting a real blog for the moment. Its just not good to wonder why I'm not worth much anymore. This place I'm in (mentally) is not good, its more like in need of a refurbishment - without the inclination to perservere though, what is there to do?
I do need to get a move on, just seem so stuck. But not stuck like you are afraid to move, stuck like in quicksand stuck. If you move too much, you sink a little more.
Its been almost two months since the last post and things have become worse, less stressful, more illusive, but in general - its fucking baaaaadddddd!
People keep saying it will get better, and this should be a blessing in disguise - I'm just sick of starting over every single fucking time. Had enough of this shit already, really.
Give. A. Chick. A. Fucking. Break!!!
Later....
Everything has gone crashing down - the depression still creeps up, like it did yesterday but I'm trying to handle it. Its quite difficult at this point though... feels like the more enthusiastic I try be, the more things fall apart.
My "baby" project was cancelled and subsequently closed down, which means
I'm officially unemployed
Officially financially screwedto, before the retrenchment and due to the miscarraige.
Officially been asked to leave my residence
Officially single - I broke this off, couldn't handle another thing happening to me, so I made it happen.
and my son has decided he'd like to be a pothead oneday.
That's just the big stuff, I cannot begin to explain everything that has gone wrong in the past few months, not sure if this is a result of my depression or not. Although thats too easy an explaination for me.
One good thing is that some of my actual writing has been published, its just that it isn't getting the response I had hoped for. Dammit, not good for the already bruised ego right now.
Needless to say, I've decided to put off starting a real blog for the moment. Its just not good to wonder why I'm not worth much anymore. This place I'm in (mentally) is not good, its more like in need of a refurbishment - without the inclination to perservere though, what is there to do?
I do need to get a move on, just seem so stuck. But not stuck like you are afraid to move, stuck like in quicksand stuck. If you move too much, you sink a little more.
Its been almost two months since the last post and things have become worse, less stressful, more illusive, but in general - its fucking baaaaadddddd!
People keep saying it will get better, and this should be a blessing in disguise - I'm just sick of starting over every single fucking time. Had enough of this shit already, really.
Give. A. Chick. A. Fucking. Break!!!
Later....
Friday, July 8, 2011
Blogging wonderful
The blog below was composed two days ago and minutes before I received crappy news that sent me into a bit of a dark spiral. I have decided to post it anyway as it is in relation to having this energy of kak rein on my ass lately.
My favourite blogger wrote about just saying what you want, when you want without fear. This isn't something many people are able, albeit keen, to do.
I'm afraid to blog about certain things in case someone happens to stumble upon this and make out who the fuck I really am. Which, if they knew anything about me, would be evident should they take the time to read my previous posts.
Here's the thing, I am bored and ill and depressed and bored. With life and its horrible twists and turns. With the fact that I may have to give up alot more in order to give up even more and can see no real reward accept for the fact that I may have a hand in rearing two hopefully great men in the process. This does entail many hardships and totally no gratitude, none whatsover. Being a parent is the most unselfish thing anyone could ever do, if they are truly parenting. Dammit, life is hard enough without having to worry about your decisions affecting other peoples lives, especially those you brought into the world and are responsible for.
For those who do not have children, you lucky bastids. Think about the crap that is or already has happened in your life and then try imagine having mouths to feed and others to tend to while going through whatever it is/was that you went through. Being needed by those incapable of providing for themselves and ungrateful for what you provide but yet, cannot be cast aside until your affairs have been rectified.
When I started out (the first say 6 or 7 years) I always thought that it must get easier because you get better at it or at least get used to it, so why then were there so many depressed people around? Thought I'd never be one of them and that they were weak. Well, surprise surprise - this is my second bout (obviously meaning the first wasn't properly dealt with) and its alot more intense and drawn out than before. I say this because there are so many adults out there who just cannot cope with the lifestyle they have, with what they have or have not built. Maybe I'm just crazy... excuse the pun... and not quite a perfectionist, but most definitely self criticizing. Yes - if you are your self motivating, you are highly critical of yourself as well.
Everything has a pro and a con - everything! Michele Obama says that you should surround yourself with people on their way up as they will pull you up with them. The twist on this one is that some of them may actually push you down on their way up, instead of holding onto you. Now, dependant on your critique criteria, individuals see the result as either a fault of their own or the selfishness of the leader. If you're depressed, it is your fault, you are useless and well, its worthless even arguing or trying to get out because frankly, you'll be just as much use to the next company, friend, partner as you are to the current.
Self motivation has become self demotivation, there is a twist in everything I see, read, hear. Its gotten to a place where I try really hard not to listen to what is happening around me as I feel its personal attack, when I know deep down inside it probably wasn't or isn't - and there are times when I am attacked, but so totally in my head that defending my believes (obscured right now) or myself is just a no-go area. The energy expended on this activity is consuming, it consumes the most intelligent people, and all because of a stupid imbalance, a bad decision, a choice - a non-choice - this thing we call, life.
I stopped here - and can't seem to remember my train of throught for the last [erased] sentence - but it shows how insanely intuitive I can be and that freaks me out....
Later Guys - I'll post another soon I hope.
My favourite blogger wrote about just saying what you want, when you want without fear. This isn't something many people are able, albeit keen, to do.
I'm afraid to blog about certain things in case someone happens to stumble upon this and make out who the fuck I really am. Which, if they knew anything about me, would be evident should they take the time to read my previous posts.
Here's the thing, I am bored and ill and depressed and bored. With life and its horrible twists and turns. With the fact that I may have to give up alot more in order to give up even more and can see no real reward accept for the fact that I may have a hand in rearing two hopefully great men in the process. This does entail many hardships and totally no gratitude, none whatsover. Being a parent is the most unselfish thing anyone could ever do, if they are truly parenting. Dammit, life is hard enough without having to worry about your decisions affecting other peoples lives, especially those you brought into the world and are responsible for.
For those who do not have children, you lucky bastids. Think about the crap that is or already has happened in your life and then try imagine having mouths to feed and others to tend to while going through whatever it is/was that you went through. Being needed by those incapable of providing for themselves and ungrateful for what you provide but yet, cannot be cast aside until your affairs have been rectified.
When I started out (the first say 6 or 7 years) I always thought that it must get easier because you get better at it or at least get used to it, so why then were there so many depressed people around? Thought I'd never be one of them and that they were weak. Well, surprise surprise - this is my second bout (obviously meaning the first wasn't properly dealt with) and its alot more intense and drawn out than before. I say this because there are so many adults out there who just cannot cope with the lifestyle they have, with what they have or have not built. Maybe I'm just crazy... excuse the pun... and not quite a perfectionist, but most definitely self criticizing. Yes - if you are your self motivating, you are highly critical of yourself as well.
Everything has a pro and a con - everything! Michele Obama says that you should surround yourself with people on their way up as they will pull you up with them. The twist on this one is that some of them may actually push you down on their way up, instead of holding onto you. Now, dependant on your critique criteria, individuals see the result as either a fault of their own or the selfishness of the leader. If you're depressed, it is your fault, you are useless and well, its worthless even arguing or trying to get out because frankly, you'll be just as much use to the next company, friend, partner as you are to the current.
Self motivation has become self demotivation, there is a twist in everything I see, read, hear. Its gotten to a place where I try really hard not to listen to what is happening around me as I feel its personal attack, when I know deep down inside it probably wasn't or isn't - and there are times when I am attacked, but so totally in my head that defending my believes (obscured right now) or myself is just a no-go area. The energy expended on this activity is consuming, it consumes the most intelligent people, and all because of a stupid imbalance, a bad decision, a choice - a non-choice - this thing we call, life.
I stopped here - and can't seem to remember my train of throught for the last [erased] sentence - but it shows how insanely intuitive I can be and that freaks me out....
Later Guys - I'll post another soon I hope.
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