Life's been just GREAT! After my last post - where I completely and totally relay my feelings on pregnancy and goals and not reaching it, well. I get the surprise of my life and miscarry, then while I'm going through this and everything else in my life (admittedly some things seem to be getting better, just expensive) uuuum I hear word that my "career" may be stumped prematurely. Now what?
I rant about not being appreciated and in fact the steady flow of no money and more work means I am not underappreciated, instead it may turn out that I could be an extra resource and therefore no longer required. How does one feel about something this.... big - is it big? At this point in one's life, career isn't something you should be worrying about, this is usally where people start having children, their careers have been sorted, their relationships are relatively stable and they are independant selfless parents or parents to be. I've definitely done things the wrong way round, and yes it could benefit me in the long run - but during the run - not so much. How about the kids, shame they said the other day that things just seem to go wrong for them or for us and it affects them.
I'm no longer living by the premise that good and bad things happen to certain people, constantly. Like if good things come to you they usually tend to appear out of nowhere, same with the latter. I can't live like that any longer - good things have happened to me over the years - yes I've had to work hard to keep it good, in fact worked real hard just to make it happen, but that's not the issue. It's being able to maintain a type of momentum without thinking too much about the things that actually happen on their own. There are many people around the world who just cannot get out of a slump - they keep thinking "this always happens to me" feel sorry for themselves and let it take over.
Feeling sorry for myself ain't gonna cut it any longer, okay - just for a little while I'm gonna ignore it - since its almost my birthday and I really just want to try be happy on that day (NOT). Might as well enjoy celebrating SOMEthing. Either way, my budget will see to itself until the next paycheck and my career will have to be put in check. Planning will need to take place and the prospect of rejection will need to be prep'd for.
Once all that is working I may actually want to have another relationship or hopefully a good one finds its way to me because I seriously don't have the time to go looking for that - especially since I have the worst selection. Until then, well its back to the grind - no comfort zone ever liked my presence so the drawing board calls for some increased chalk action.
To the chalk and beyond - maybe I'll be able to fit some blogging into all of that. Been so hectic walking in circles I haven't looked up to see the same landmark. But I've seen my own footprint in the sand and that's gotta stop.
Laters
Friday, February 18, 2011
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
It's All My Own Fault
Have you ever had a dream that you knew could be fulfilled but that somehow kept drifting farther and farther away with every new obstacle?
Story of my Life... That's wot that is.
Everytime the glimpse of any dream is just about in sight, when normal people see it and run towards it with everything that they have, I seem to just stumble and fall and become so obsessed with reaching that goal, that dream, that the obstacles in my right of passage seem to appear out of nowhere...
How many more times does this have to happen for me to give up and realise that I've just gotta accept my lot in life... try make life better for my family and their futures and well, maybe actually just give in and settle for a kinder than most guy who may in fact enjoy being a family man. I should be happy, most women at my age would be ecstatic, this is what they've wanted all their lives: Healthy handsome Kids, A man who loves them, no problem conceiving, a loving parent, and a loving parent in law, a good job and a great boss.
What can I say, thought there was more to life than caring for children and a man. I wanted a career, a profession. That was shattered by stupidity and rebellion half my life ago, then when there seemed like there'd be some consolation on the horizon, I fell pregnant again at 19 WTF? Got a few decent jobs, earning enough to feed my brood and moved companies so much that I finally earned enough to live on my own and just barely feed the brood. Looking back, it became about earning enough to actually pay all my expenses and eat without borrowing too much. Yay, finally got to that stage when my youngest was 9 and then I lost my job AGAIN. Which obviously throws you into something terrible when you've only earned enough to get by, but not save. Saving then became my goal - I also happened upon the almost perfect job and well, finally had the time and opportunity to better myself and find some semblance of a career, an actual boyfriend who loved me - even though I didn't love him - it was great.
Then he wanted to get serious, the kids started acting out more than usual, psychologists were brought in, friends left, I finally got a new car and news of another pregnancy. WOT!!!! I don't want to get married, I don't want to have a baby on my arm, I don't want to not sleep for two years, I don't want to be full of vomit and spit and not wear white. I don't want to not be able to work late if that is required, I don't want to have to depend on someone that is only doing this for a child. I don't want to do this to my children, to my mom, my "mom in law", to him, to my boss and especially to ME.
I .. me... I should have been more careful - its no ones fault but mine, just like the other two and just like the rest of the shite that's happened in my life. If I only noticed what was happening around me on my way to my goal I may have been able to prevent the pain and indecision and this unbearable feeling of uncontrollable hopelessness.
There's no one else to blame for these shattered dreams, but myself.
Story of my Life... That's wot that is.
Everytime the glimpse of any dream is just about in sight, when normal people see it and run towards it with everything that they have, I seem to just stumble and fall and become so obsessed with reaching that goal, that dream, that the obstacles in my right of passage seem to appear out of nowhere...
How many more times does this have to happen for me to give up and realise that I've just gotta accept my lot in life... try make life better for my family and their futures and well, maybe actually just give in and settle for a kinder than most guy who may in fact enjoy being a family man. I should be happy, most women at my age would be ecstatic, this is what they've wanted all their lives: Healthy handsome Kids, A man who loves them, no problem conceiving, a loving parent, and a loving parent in law, a good job and a great boss.
What can I say, thought there was more to life than caring for children and a man. I wanted a career, a profession. That was shattered by stupidity and rebellion half my life ago, then when there seemed like there'd be some consolation on the horizon, I fell pregnant again at 19 WTF? Got a few decent jobs, earning enough to feed my brood and moved companies so much that I finally earned enough to live on my own and just barely feed the brood. Looking back, it became about earning enough to actually pay all my expenses and eat without borrowing too much. Yay, finally got to that stage when my youngest was 9 and then I lost my job AGAIN. Which obviously throws you into something terrible when you've only earned enough to get by, but not save. Saving then became my goal - I also happened upon the almost perfect job and well, finally had the time and opportunity to better myself and find some semblance of a career, an actual boyfriend who loved me - even though I didn't love him - it was great.
Then he wanted to get serious, the kids started acting out more than usual, psychologists were brought in, friends left, I finally got a new car and news of another pregnancy. WOT!!!! I don't want to get married, I don't want to have a baby on my arm, I don't want to not sleep for two years, I don't want to be full of vomit and spit and not wear white. I don't want to not be able to work late if that is required, I don't want to have to depend on someone that is only doing this for a child. I don't want to do this to my children, to my mom, my "mom in law", to him, to my boss and especially to ME.
I .. me... I should have been more careful - its no ones fault but mine, just like the other two and just like the rest of the shite that's happened in my life. If I only noticed what was happening around me on my way to my goal I may have been able to prevent the pain and indecision and this unbearable feeling of uncontrollable hopelessness.
There's no one else to blame for these shattered dreams, but myself.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Wow! and wow
Wow! Been saying that alot lately, but seriously - didn't think people could still surprise me with their disgusting disregard for and toward each other. Which is why I say wow in small letters cause I should know this shit by now being that I'm cynical and shallow and all the other little icey details I'd like other's to believe about me.
But wow! To be left stranded in a city by a "friend" with no regard for my safety or wellbeing is a little... well... HARD to fathom. Surprisingly enough I feel okay, just a little poorer and more stressed but okay nonetheless. This is the kinda thing that makes me distrust humankind even more. I should, but really don't want to anymore, its such an empty life. Just the thought though of having too many clingy, abusive friends is a little more daunting than having none at all, or is it?
Hating the way this makes me feel right now. So I gotta do this:
"Think positive thoughts" - "remember those who do good" - "do good for those who love you" - "love those who don't deserve it". Not so easy either.
Sitting here in my hotel room, stranded and alone I'm thinking maybe I should just be me and tell the rest of the world that I won't break because they treat me badly, that I'll make sure I'm okay cause I'm versatile like that, and I'm a big girl, we don't cry... we get even whaawahahhahaha (evil laugh).
I'm a cynical bitch and shoulda known better. But no sense in crying over spilt milk, it's water under the bridge and am in the process of crossing it.
But wow! To be left stranded in a city by a "friend" with no regard for my safety or wellbeing is a little... well... HARD to fathom. Surprisingly enough I feel okay, just a little poorer and more stressed but okay nonetheless. This is the kinda thing that makes me distrust humankind even more. I should, but really don't want to anymore, its such an empty life. Just the thought though of having too many clingy, abusive friends is a little more daunting than having none at all, or is it?
Hating the way this makes me feel right now. So I gotta do this:
"Think positive thoughts" - "remember those who do good" - "do good for those who love you" - "love those who don't deserve it". Not so easy either.
Sitting here in my hotel room, stranded and alone I'm thinking maybe I should just be me and tell the rest of the world that I won't break because they treat me badly, that I'll make sure I'm okay cause I'm versatile like that, and I'm a big girl, we don't cry... we get even whaawahahhahaha (evil laugh).
I'm a cynical bitch and shoulda known better. But no sense in crying over spilt milk, it's water under the bridge and am in the process of crossing it.
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