Over the past few years things have been really really difficult to deal with. The only solution I had was to carry on carrying on. Don't let anything get you down and get through what needed to be got through.
Unfortunately, you get to the point where you're carrying yourself through yourself. Meaning, everything is dealt with on the surface and looks good to the world and those around you, but really... you never made any progress. Shock took over and got you through most stuff, but not the crux of it.
I believe there are reason's why things are the way they are and why those things are sometimes the only reason you are able to adapt and survive, like a prep school of sorts for knowledge of self awareness to deal with whatever lies ahead.
Now here comes the weird part. So you've been though something drastic or semi-crappy in order to prepare you for the next bigger deal you'll have to sort out. Some of these lessons are truly what you make of them and others - well others seem to come back over and over again. I must admit though... when something returns after the storm, its not as hard to deal with - its just more irritating and frustrating. Thinking you've already learned that lesson, hoping it would never return, not going the full circle. Things, people, situations cross your path for a reason, and if people and things aren't there to stay or return, why do situations? Have you not learned your lesson? Maybe there are different people and things set in the same context as the previous situation and it seems seperate to you because the person or thing is different? I really don't know.
Just hope that one day whatever I have gone through will assist someone in not going through the same thing, or not making the same mistakes I made. If they are anything like me though, learning from experience is best - the only problem with that is sometimes the lesson wasn't worth the experience. I once had a boss who spoke to me about regret, it may have been a quick conversation over a smoke, but it is something that has stayed with me and helped me through alot. All she said was "Never regret anything you have chosen to do". She was right ofcourse. If you chose it, it certainly made sense for you to make that decision at that time. So if you're going to do something, do it knowing you won't regret it later.
What I can say is I don't want the full circle on most of my life, there are things that shouldn't ever be dredged up again. There are certain people I would love to have back in my life, even though I know from experience that that lesson was learnt the hard way and they are definitely not meant to be part of my life anymore. Maybe I just miss them and just want to be reminded that I don't always have to be the strong one.
I just have to be me.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Three Oh! Noooo!
At the age of 12 my world came crashing down - courtesy of my 'wonderful' father. At 16 I walked head on into a brick wall by having a baby with a very bad man. 3 Years later I was dumb enough to have another - with the same dumbass.
I promised never to let my kids think I was superwoman and have them rebel against who I really was. But there are some things you don't want them to know, this is a two edged sword though. Yes, I have relations with the guys I see, sometimes I don't even see them - really just have relations. They can never know that though and can only make their own assumptions when they get much much older. I was totally afraid to tell them how old I was when I had them too.
They will not be introduced to any man unless I think he is worthy of them (haven't met a single guy to date). When my niece (7) found out I had a boyfriend, she look bewildered then said, matter of factly "But you already have children" lol.
The thing is kids cannot cope with certain emotions, they haven't learned to reason properly and cannot understand the ways of the world when they are that innocent. Being a teenager was so confusing, then I had babies halfway through which confused this even more.
Its a few days after my big three oh and apparently its supposed to be the best time of your live. Used to be your 20's but I didn't really live those years, I just existed. Maybe I'm being my sceptical PMSy self again, but I still feel like that confused teenager, accept I haven't the inclination to take on the world which boils down to just being confused. This I cannot afford, my son has just started high school, they need me to be the strong mother figure now and all I want is to stop being so alone in my world. Really want someone I can dump on and no longer be restricted by other people's insecurities, irrationalities and needs.
So don't dig being an adult and thats all I wanted when I was young (having a baby at 16 didn't say that loud enough!). It's so taxing, the trivialites of certain people's lives seem so mundane and there are those who thrive on gossip, or nagging, or interference. Whatever it may be, it seems most people are either happy with where they have found themselves (the more mature 'ppl'... as in old) or they've matured to such a degree that wisdom has taught them to accept their fate.
Fighting what happens to you when you are unable to change it makes for a rather miserable existence. Acceptance could be the key, but that would also be settling. Maybe a mind alteration is order, actually that should be the order of the day. This unfortunately is easier said than done. I search for that happy place, but only find moments of excitement.
Something's gotta give and this will have to be my state of mind or the next 30 years of my life will feel as wasted as the last.
I promised never to let my kids think I was superwoman and have them rebel against who I really was. But there are some things you don't want them to know, this is a two edged sword though. Yes, I have relations with the guys I see, sometimes I don't even see them - really just have relations. They can never know that though and can only make their own assumptions when they get much much older. I was totally afraid to tell them how old I was when I had them too.
They will not be introduced to any man unless I think he is worthy of them (haven't met a single guy to date). When my niece (7) found out I had a boyfriend, she look bewildered then said, matter of factly "But you already have children" lol.
The thing is kids cannot cope with certain emotions, they haven't learned to reason properly and cannot understand the ways of the world when they are that innocent. Being a teenager was so confusing, then I had babies halfway through which confused this even more.
Its a few days after my big three oh and apparently its supposed to be the best time of your live. Used to be your 20's but I didn't really live those years, I just existed. Maybe I'm being my sceptical PMSy self again, but I still feel like that confused teenager, accept I haven't the inclination to take on the world which boils down to just being confused. This I cannot afford, my son has just started high school, they need me to be the strong mother figure now and all I want is to stop being so alone in my world. Really want someone I can dump on and no longer be restricted by other people's insecurities, irrationalities and needs.
So don't dig being an adult and thats all I wanted when I was young (having a baby at 16 didn't say that loud enough!). It's so taxing, the trivialites of certain people's lives seem so mundane and there are those who thrive on gossip, or nagging, or interference. Whatever it may be, it seems most people are either happy with where they have found themselves (the more mature 'ppl'... as in old) or they've matured to such a degree that wisdom has taught them to accept their fate.
Fighting what happens to you when you are unable to change it makes for a rather miserable existence. Acceptance could be the key, but that would also be settling. Maybe a mind alteration is order, actually that should be the order of the day. This unfortunately is easier said than done. I search for that happy place, but only find moments of excitement.
Something's gotta give and this will have to be my state of mind or the next 30 years of my life will feel as wasted as the last.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Is there such a thing as "A True Friend"
Over the past 2/3 years I've lost many valuable things/people/beliefs. Now my first blog was about the "Phase" women go through and maybe it had something to do with that but I'm not completely convinced of this. Almost 3 years ago, things seemed to have been going rather smoothly but uneventful. Surely most have experienced a "stagnant" time in their lives. Wake up, get dressed, take kids to school, go to work, fetch kids, go home, make dinner,eat, put kids to sleep, watch some TV/listen to music, go to sleep. Wake up, get dressed... This carried on for way too long and in retrospect I shouldn't have tempted fate, but I did (as any human being would). I was bored with life, its monotony, its lack of a promise. Don't fix it if it ain't broken, no?
I don't believe my thoughts caused the termoil of the past three years though, it was just what life was about to throw at me that gave me a sense of stagnation in preparation for the F*#%&king looooooong draining haul ahead.
Friends - I suppose you make some, you lose some, some stay but don't contribute, you even inherit some, they stick around and are sometimes even of some use. But alas, I've always had a problem with true friends. They come and go, suppose they are chosen as opposed to just being there. But are they really chosen? Do you decide, I like the way that person looks and will now go forth and have a lasting friendship with said person. No. It chooses you. Just like love and loss and pain and....
Honestly, I had a BFF since grade 8 - we met, were the total opposite of each other and well, just balanced each other. There is a turning point in every relationship where you need to decide whether what that person contributes is beneficial to both/all your lives or not. I usually come accross that fairly early in any relationship as my radar for honesty and sencerity [aka judgement of people] is rather spot on. Needless to say, about a year or so into the relationship and at that tender age, I realised that being pretty and having a brain didn't really go down well with her - I knew it didn't go down well with anyone else either but I made an unconcious decision to nurture that friendship as it was the closest thing to a good friend in a few years. She didn't use me to get guys, copy my homework, try keep me from learning or be conniving, but there was a tweak of jealousy that I chose to ignore... for 15 years.
We became the greatest of friends, the best kind. Like those you see on TV, she was even there when I told my parents of my first pregnancy. We were like sisters, she moved overseas and we kept in contact, we rekindled our friendship [every relationship has its ups and downs] but we really loved each other - or so I thought.
To this day I haven't a clue what happened, but she started pulling away slowly around the time my life started falling apart. I had other friends, some had become really close as well but nothing near what we shared [god, I sound lesbian] but its the chick thing. Either way, you make some and lose friends along life's path - cause your scope doesn't end at your BFF. I tried to contact her time and time again eventually getting through but making this statement "I will not be your friend only when it's convenient for you". Then promised that should this happen again, I would cut all ties. And when it did I made good on my promise.
The worst part of any depression is the lonliness... besides the fact that I was seriously dissappointed in myself for not being strong enough - mentally - to avoid depression, I was really and truly alone in it. During this, met the most amazing guy ever, it was like a fantasy (I promise to blog about it sometime - still hurts a bit) and he too decided to pull away. I ended this as well. I, me - ended the two most important relationships in my life (save my family), not because I wanted to, but because it felt like I was a burden. These losses in the space of a few months broke me beyond belief, adding to my self dissappointment and loathing. It also broke a promise made to myself: "I will never allow anyone to hurt me like that again."
So now when I see friends giggling and getting coffee, making party plans on facebook, tweeting bout how amazing last night was {you no like someone who'd just broken up looking at couples in love?} it alerts me to the void I have in my life. I also don't think I am able to ignore someone's insecurities like that again ... just to have a friend in my life, a sister. She's getting married next year, heard through a mutual friend (actually one of the click but we weren't ever as close) and these things, clips of news, arb comments on her life, they hurt like hell. There is no chance of reconciliation, although we are rather civil in our communication being that a few circumstances have forced us to. How do you go from calling someone to meet your newest fling for approval, to communicating in a business like fashion about the current happenings.
Sometimes I just wanna lay all my shite bare for someone to listen to... like a friend. So I can tell her how stupid I feel for falling in love with a guy who was too young for me, who we both knew would be leaving soon. How the chemo has made me lose my mom cause she isn't the same person anymore (I cannot speak to her like I used to). That I'm so afraid of getting old it feels like its consuming my entire life. That I just want to have a girls night drinking wine and talking shite without worrying about driving home. That I can call someone when my other friends or boyfriend (oh ye, we are dating now - the guy I met for dinner a while ago) or boss, piss me off. Who I can be so open and honest with without being judged because she has my back.
Miss us sooooooo much, want us back so badly it hurts my whole body, my tummy aches with the pain of the loss of this woman in my life. But at least I now know that There is no such thing as 'A True Friend'. Unless ofcourse it's your bulldog (the rest is still unwritten) and you're a guy, which I'm not - promise...
I don't believe my thoughts caused the termoil of the past three years though, it was just what life was about to throw at me that gave me a sense of stagnation in preparation for the F*#%&king looooooong draining haul ahead.
Friends - I suppose you make some, you lose some, some stay but don't contribute, you even inherit some, they stick around and are sometimes even of some use. But alas, I've always had a problem with true friends. They come and go, suppose they are chosen as opposed to just being there. But are they really chosen? Do you decide, I like the way that person looks and will now go forth and have a lasting friendship with said person. No. It chooses you. Just like love and loss and pain and....
Honestly, I had a BFF since grade 8 - we met, were the total opposite of each other and well, just balanced each other. There is a turning point in every relationship where you need to decide whether what that person contributes is beneficial to both/all your lives or not. I usually come accross that fairly early in any relationship as my radar for honesty and sencerity [aka judgement of people] is rather spot on. Needless to say, about a year or so into the relationship and at that tender age, I realised that being pretty and having a brain didn't really go down well with her - I knew it didn't go down well with anyone else either but I made an unconcious decision to nurture that friendship as it was the closest thing to a good friend in a few years. She didn't use me to get guys, copy my homework, try keep me from learning or be conniving, but there was a tweak of jealousy that I chose to ignore... for 15 years.
We became the greatest of friends, the best kind. Like those you see on TV, she was even there when I told my parents of my first pregnancy. We were like sisters, she moved overseas and we kept in contact, we rekindled our friendship [every relationship has its ups and downs] but we really loved each other - or so I thought.
To this day I haven't a clue what happened, but she started pulling away slowly around the time my life started falling apart. I had other friends, some had become really close as well but nothing near what we shared [god, I sound lesbian] but its the chick thing. Either way, you make some and lose friends along life's path - cause your scope doesn't end at your BFF. I tried to contact her time and time again eventually getting through but making this statement "I will not be your friend only when it's convenient for you". Then promised that should this happen again, I would cut all ties. And when it did I made good on my promise.
The worst part of any depression is the lonliness... besides the fact that I was seriously dissappointed in myself for not being strong enough - mentally - to avoid depression, I was really and truly alone in it. During this, met the most amazing guy ever, it was like a fantasy (I promise to blog about it sometime - still hurts a bit) and he too decided to pull away. I ended this as well. I, me - ended the two most important relationships in my life (save my family), not because I wanted to, but because it felt like I was a burden. These losses in the space of a few months broke me beyond belief, adding to my self dissappointment and loathing. It also broke a promise made to myself: "I will never allow anyone to hurt me like that again."
So now when I see friends giggling and getting coffee, making party plans on facebook, tweeting bout how amazing last night was {you no like someone who'd just broken up looking at couples in love?} it alerts me to the void I have in my life. I also don't think I am able to ignore someone's insecurities like that again ... just to have a friend in my life, a sister. She's getting married next year, heard through a mutual friend (actually one of the click but we weren't ever as close) and these things, clips of news, arb comments on her life, they hurt like hell. There is no chance of reconciliation, although we are rather civil in our communication being that a few circumstances have forced us to. How do you go from calling someone to meet your newest fling for approval, to communicating in a business like fashion about the current happenings.
Sometimes I just wanna lay all my shite bare for someone to listen to... like a friend. So I can tell her how stupid I feel for falling in love with a guy who was too young for me, who we both knew would be leaving soon. How the chemo has made me lose my mom cause she isn't the same person anymore (I cannot speak to her like I used to). That I'm so afraid of getting old it feels like its consuming my entire life. That I just want to have a girls night drinking wine and talking shite without worrying about driving home. That I can call someone when my other friends or boyfriend (oh ye, we are dating now - the guy I met for dinner a while ago) or boss, piss me off. Who I can be so open and honest with without being judged because she has my back.
Miss us sooooooo much, want us back so badly it hurts my whole body, my tummy aches with the pain of the loss of this woman in my life. But at least I now know that There is no such thing as 'A True Friend'. Unless ofcourse it's your bulldog (the rest is still unwritten) and you're a guy, which I'm not - promise...
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