This blog is about ME. This blog is the reason I've grown so much in the past year or so. This blog has become my "go to" - my friend.
Why? I have no friends, I wouldn't ever let on who I really am for fear of the abuse I may get if someone I know or who I've written about actually read this. Had a dream about a snake the other day. Now, many people aren't into dream translation and astrology but I truly am (more the dream thing). Either way, this viper as it were, was just looking at me and hissing. Most dream dictionary's will say that its a friend or partner who is really viciously trying to take you down (as with the serpent in the Garden of Eden). This is quite true, frankly, whether you've actually looked it up, a snake ain't the best sign of great fortune and never will be.
So, I tell my mom, as always... and her response "you don't have any friends, you aren't really seeing anyone so it's gotta be someone you work with or work related. Let's hope it hasn't anything to do with the kids". Uuuum, "you don't have any friends"?... the problem with this is that my answer was, "mm-mm, I know - well we'll have to wait and see." WTF?
I found out what it was for eventually and this thing didn't happen to me, it happened to someone quite close - I cannot divulge any information as it may give something away should they stumble upon this post, but the crux of the matter is - most courses, self help books, inspirational speakers, etc,. mention that everyone should have a support system, not only as a single parent, but as a human being. Without friends, you may sometimes look to family or acquaintances for this. And the unfortunate event made in possible for my only other "support system" to be removed from my life, once again - without my intervention or choice.
Okay, I may have one or two - but they aren't openly available to assist me. Married friends - males - whom I cannot call when in a tight spot, or just simply ask for their help. This needs to be done secretively and with caution. Not saying we've had relations or ever will, but our friendship cannot be divulged to the wife, with good reason and I completely understand. This therefore does mean that I now officially have no fallback. I've blogged about my life during the past three years, or the past three years since that blog. Things have been improving, but I find myself not having the ability to trust and depend upon anyone but me. This makes for a real problem if something has to happen to me. What will become of my family, they depend on me and I depend on .... ME.
I can only hope that I live long enough to make sure that they have grown enough and gotten to a stage where they are completely not dependant on me as this is currently causing quite a bit of stress on my part. I'll also cross the "what will I work towards when I have no one to work for" bridge, when I get there. For now, I have something to work towards and people to try appreciating it. We have me and I have them and that's all that matters. I looked for solace in friends as family disappointed me very early on in life. I suppose the ability to choose your friends doesn't help much when they too can be just as conniving and untrustworthy as your family. Also much easier to let go of a friendship than a cousin... no?
I've learned so much with having my life turned upside down, but I need to start rebuilding it and finally realise that I is what is required. My thoughts and actions are kinda leaning in that direction, but I've lost my confidence (I was almost arrogant), my trust (in other people and myself) and my faith (in friends and people). Good natured people don't just become this overnight, they are born and bread that way, I have met some of them, but have also become so suspicious of peoples intention that I haven't allowed anyone to get close enough to hurt me. Ever again, this makes me afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, but I will find that person to share it with, when it suites the both of us.
Right now, the current revelation about the dream has thrown me back into distrust and constant "looking over my shoulder" phase. Nothing is guaranteed anymore, at least not love.
I hope all this makes sense, I cannot re-read but want to publish.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
World Cup Stuff
The build up to this WC has been excruciating, to say the least. Besides the fact that I have never been interested in local soccer, the last time I actually watched avidly or had a favourite team was during the Ryan Giggs’ phase... yes – I realise my age... and yes – I watched English League Soccer with my dad and brother because frankly, most of the guys could play and Manchester United always beat the crap outta Liverpool, or so it seemed for those matches I took the time to watch.
As World Cup’s went though, I’d ALWAYS watch the final match – also distinctly remember doing some arbitrary chore at a silly hour of the morning when Brazil won the Cup against .... memory fails me, but it was the 90’s, possibly 1994 so please forgive me? I cannot remember the others and for the life of me, if I hadn’t done a competition campaign for the WC in the past month I wouldn’t have known who the reigning champions were either. Why? You may ask... cause I stopped watching for the game and have since watched purely for my own visual satisfaction. WOW! Those bodies are sculpted to absolute perfection, I couldn’t really care what their faces look like as that would just be the cherry on the top, you feel me? [those of the male species would understand my sentiment]
Either way, let’s put it this way – I distinctly remember the moment we heard that the 2010 WC would be held in SA. Now I’m no political genius, actually I participate, watch and read less about the topic than I do soccer. Those guys couldn’t get my attention if they choked me while taking my money and telling me it’s for my own good. Oh wait, they’re already doing that, still – haven’t found any of them even remotely visually stimulating, rather visually vomatible [I know the word does not exist – but if Jade (America’s next top model season who knows ) can make up her own words, so can I]. Also, the most basic price of EVERYTHING has gone up. Alcohol and cigarettes – indulgences – I understand, but food, fuel, gas... why?
Needless to say, I haven’t been particularly patriotic or supportive, just going with the flow type thing. Apparently this city is the liveliest of all in SA at the moment. For the past month, people have had flag’s (of all country’s) sometimes 2 or 3, protruding from their car windows or aerials or both. Nauseating I tellya. Houses, schools and businesses have flags on their properties. Every single f&#ing street corner vendor sold flags, mirror covers, vuvuzela’s (all the memorabilia imaginable), everywhere, in fact they still are. In every single shop, on every single website in every single Mall, SA was making the most – no taking absolutely every single opportunity to exploit this. Every Friday since April... I think... has been dubbed “Soccer Friday” where everyone gets to wear their Bafana Bafana T-Shirt or jersey to work and school. Uuuuum WTF! Seriously.
Problem is, today while driving into work, I saw the most interesting garden display – okay, I have seen this display for weeks already and only today did it actually pull me toward it, make me stop my car and take a picture on my phone, then slowly drive away.
I suddenly felt this overwhelming feeling then heard this voice saying “Dude, the soccer world cup is here! In your country! On your doorstep! Are you actually going to let it pass you by without glancing at it, even just for a little while?” Coincidentally, I get to work and there’s these yellow things on my desk. A beanie and a scarf, in support of our team. I thought that was quite cute, then I get this mini vuvuzela “weird” too. I’m dressed for work, btw – jean’s, smart top and high heeled boots. I’d heard that there was to be a “blowing of vuvuzela’s” in support of our home team and the WC being here. Didn’t have a clue why I had to walk to a parade where the team would be (2min drive from the office = 35min walk in high heeled boots). They were kidding right? WRONG!
We walked, but while doing so, there were other companies, people, households – everyone participating, walking and blowing their vuvuzela’s. Drivers were hooting, passengers and some drivers were blowing their vuvuzela’s too. Apparently there were 185 000 people in our area today, this excludes the other centre's around and out of town.
The atmosphere was awe inspiring and an experience I will never forget. That made me feel a tinge of sadness when we returned to the office, but my legs and feet who were carrying me completely ungraciously toward our destination, were certainly grateful for the end of the torturous journey.
It was the first time I had actually participated and supported (just a tad) something for and in SA. I was born and raised here, but I never wanted to be and for the first time in my life, I was actually proud to be South African.
But I wouldn’t post that shit on my Facebook page or tweet about it.
When we finally got back to the office, I sat down to try regain feeling and relieve the pain in my calves and feet when I read a news post that some foreign journalists were held up at gun point in their lodge last night. Well, that was the extent and end of my good deed for the month. I did my duty as a South African and remembered why it pains me to think of what some of our leaders are doing to this wonderful country. The one I had to learn [the hard ugly way] to appreciate and treasure.
I’ll not try predict the winning team, but definitely cannot wait to see Italy, Brazil, Germany and Spain’s hotties all sweaty and gorgeous in those short pants. Damn... the leg muscle, OMG – when they take their shirts off and reveal their abs and that special muscle at the bottom which induces involuntary salivation. Haven’t a clue what it’s called though - I call it the “OMG you have that sexy muscle!” muscle. Maybe I’ll actually watch the opening match this time... we get off work early either way so may as well check it out as most conversations have some kind of soccer connotation to them lately... Wonder the fuck why?
As World Cup’s went though, I’d ALWAYS watch the final match – also distinctly remember doing some arbitrary chore at a silly hour of the morning when Brazil won the Cup against .... memory fails me, but it was the 90’s, possibly 1994 so please forgive me? I cannot remember the others and for the life of me, if I hadn’t done a competition campaign for the WC in the past month I wouldn’t have known who the reigning champions were either. Why? You may ask... cause I stopped watching for the game and have since watched purely for my own visual satisfaction. WOW! Those bodies are sculpted to absolute perfection, I couldn’t really care what their faces look like as that would just be the cherry on the top, you feel me? [those of the male species would understand my sentiment]
Either way, let’s put it this way – I distinctly remember the moment we heard that the 2010 WC would be held in SA. Now I’m no political genius, actually I participate, watch and read less about the topic than I do soccer. Those guys couldn’t get my attention if they choked me while taking my money and telling me it’s for my own good. Oh wait, they’re already doing that, still – haven’t found any of them even remotely visually stimulating, rather visually vomatible [I know the word does not exist – but if Jade (America’s next top model season who knows ) can make up her own words, so can I]. Also, the most basic price of EVERYTHING has gone up. Alcohol and cigarettes – indulgences – I understand, but food, fuel, gas... why?
Needless to say, I haven’t been particularly patriotic or supportive, just going with the flow type thing. Apparently this city is the liveliest of all in SA at the moment. For the past month, people have had flag’s (of all country’s) sometimes 2 or 3, protruding from their car windows or aerials or both. Nauseating I tellya. Houses, schools and businesses have flags on their properties. Every single f&#ing street corner vendor sold flags, mirror covers, vuvuzela’s (all the memorabilia imaginable), everywhere, in fact they still are. In every single shop, on every single website in every single Mall, SA was making the most – no taking absolutely every single opportunity to exploit this. Every Friday since April... I think... has been dubbed “Soccer Friday” where everyone gets to wear their Bafana Bafana T-Shirt or jersey to work and school. Uuuuum WTF! Seriously.
Problem is, today while driving into work, I saw the most interesting garden display – okay, I have seen this display for weeks already and only today did it actually pull me toward it, make me stop my car and take a picture on my phone, then slowly drive away.
I suddenly felt this overwhelming feeling then heard this voice saying “Dude, the soccer world cup is here! In your country! On your doorstep! Are you actually going to let it pass you by without glancing at it, even just for a little while?” Coincidentally, I get to work and there’s these yellow things on my desk. A beanie and a scarf, in support of our team. I thought that was quite cute, then I get this mini vuvuzela “weird” too. I’m dressed for work, btw – jean’s, smart top and high heeled boots. I’d heard that there was to be a “blowing of vuvuzela’s” in support of our home team and the WC being here. Didn’t have a clue why I had to walk to a parade where the team would be (2min drive from the office = 35min walk in high heeled boots). They were kidding right? WRONG!
We walked, but while doing so, there were other companies, people, households – everyone participating, walking and blowing their vuvuzela’s. Drivers were hooting, passengers and some drivers were blowing their vuvuzela’s too. Apparently there were 185 000 people in our area today, this excludes the other centre's around and out of town.
The atmosphere was awe inspiring and an experience I will never forget. That made me feel a tinge of sadness when we returned to the office, but my legs and feet who were carrying me completely ungraciously toward our destination, were certainly grateful for the end of the torturous journey.
It was the first time I had actually participated and supported (just a tad) something for and in SA. I was born and raised here, but I never wanted to be and for the first time in my life, I was actually proud to be South African.
But I wouldn’t post that shit on my Facebook page or tweet about it.
When we finally got back to the office, I sat down to try regain feeling and relieve the pain in my calves and feet when I read a news post that some foreign journalists were held up at gun point in their lodge last night. Well, that was the extent and end of my good deed for the month. I did my duty as a South African and remembered why it pains me to think of what some of our leaders are doing to this wonderful country. The one I had to learn [the hard ugly way] to appreciate and treasure.
I’ll not try predict the winning team, but definitely cannot wait to see Italy, Brazil, Germany and Spain’s hotties all sweaty and gorgeous in those short pants. Damn... the leg muscle, OMG – when they take their shirts off and reveal their abs and that special muscle at the bottom which induces involuntary salivation. Haven’t a clue what it’s called though - I call it the “OMG you have that sexy muscle!” muscle. Maybe I’ll actually watch the opening match this time... we get off work early either way so may as well check it out as most conversations have some kind of soccer connotation to them lately... Wonder the fuck why?
Monday, May 3, 2010
Learning... Lessons
Over the past few years things have been really really difficult to deal with. The only solution I had was to carry on carrying on. Don't let anything get you down and get through what needed to be got through.
Unfortunately, you get to the point where you're carrying yourself through yourself. Meaning, everything is dealt with on the surface and looks good to the world and those around you, but really... you never made any progress. Shock took over and got you through most stuff, but not the crux of it.
I believe there are reason's why things are the way they are and why those things are sometimes the only reason you are able to adapt and survive, like a prep school of sorts for knowledge of self awareness to deal with whatever lies ahead.
Now here comes the weird part. So you've been though something drastic or semi-crappy in order to prepare you for the next bigger deal you'll have to sort out. Some of these lessons are truly what you make of them and others - well others seem to come back over and over again. I must admit though... when something returns after the storm, its not as hard to deal with - its just more irritating and frustrating. Thinking you've already learned that lesson, hoping it would never return, not going the full circle. Things, people, situations cross your path for a reason, and if people and things aren't there to stay or return, why do situations? Have you not learned your lesson? Maybe there are different people and things set in the same context as the previous situation and it seems seperate to you because the person or thing is different? I really don't know.
Just hope that one day whatever I have gone through will assist someone in not going through the same thing, or not making the same mistakes I made. If they are anything like me though, learning from experience is best - the only problem with that is sometimes the lesson wasn't worth the experience. I once had a boss who spoke to me about regret, it may have been a quick conversation over a smoke, but it is something that has stayed with me and helped me through alot. All she said was "Never regret anything you have chosen to do". She was right ofcourse. If you chose it, it certainly made sense for you to make that decision at that time. So if you're going to do something, do it knowing you won't regret it later.
What I can say is I don't want the full circle on most of my life, there are things that shouldn't ever be dredged up again. There are certain people I would love to have back in my life, even though I know from experience that that lesson was learnt the hard way and they are definitely not meant to be part of my life anymore. Maybe I just miss them and just want to be reminded that I don't always have to be the strong one.
I just have to be me.
Unfortunately, you get to the point where you're carrying yourself through yourself. Meaning, everything is dealt with on the surface and looks good to the world and those around you, but really... you never made any progress. Shock took over and got you through most stuff, but not the crux of it.
I believe there are reason's why things are the way they are and why those things are sometimes the only reason you are able to adapt and survive, like a prep school of sorts for knowledge of self awareness to deal with whatever lies ahead.
Now here comes the weird part. So you've been though something drastic or semi-crappy in order to prepare you for the next bigger deal you'll have to sort out. Some of these lessons are truly what you make of them and others - well others seem to come back over and over again. I must admit though... when something returns after the storm, its not as hard to deal with - its just more irritating and frustrating. Thinking you've already learned that lesson, hoping it would never return, not going the full circle. Things, people, situations cross your path for a reason, and if people and things aren't there to stay or return, why do situations? Have you not learned your lesson? Maybe there are different people and things set in the same context as the previous situation and it seems seperate to you because the person or thing is different? I really don't know.
Just hope that one day whatever I have gone through will assist someone in not going through the same thing, or not making the same mistakes I made. If they are anything like me though, learning from experience is best - the only problem with that is sometimes the lesson wasn't worth the experience. I once had a boss who spoke to me about regret, it may have been a quick conversation over a smoke, but it is something that has stayed with me and helped me through alot. All she said was "Never regret anything you have chosen to do". She was right ofcourse. If you chose it, it certainly made sense for you to make that decision at that time. So if you're going to do something, do it knowing you won't regret it later.
What I can say is I don't want the full circle on most of my life, there are things that shouldn't ever be dredged up again. There are certain people I would love to have back in my life, even though I know from experience that that lesson was learnt the hard way and they are definitely not meant to be part of my life anymore. Maybe I just miss them and just want to be reminded that I don't always have to be the strong one.
I just have to be me.
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