The blog below was composed two days ago and minutes before I received crappy news that sent me into a bit of a dark spiral. I have decided to post it anyway as it is in relation to having this energy of kak rein on my ass lately.
My favourite blogger wrote about just saying what you want, when you want without fear. This isn't something many people are able, albeit keen, to do.
I'm afraid to blog about certain things in case someone happens to stumble upon this and make out who the fuck I really am. Which, if they knew anything about me, would be evident should they take the time to read my previous posts.
Here's the thing, I am bored and ill and depressed and bored. With life and its horrible twists and turns. With the fact that I may have to give up alot more in order to give up even more and can see no real reward accept for the fact that I may have a hand in rearing two hopefully great men in the process. This does entail many hardships and totally no gratitude, none whatsover. Being a parent is the most unselfish thing anyone could ever do, if they are truly parenting. Dammit, life is hard enough without having to worry about your decisions affecting other peoples lives, especially those you brought into the world and are responsible for.
For those who do not have children, you lucky bastids. Think about the crap that is or already has happened in your life and then try imagine having mouths to feed and others to tend to while going through whatever it is/was that you went through. Being needed by those incapable of providing for themselves and ungrateful for what you provide but yet, cannot be cast aside until your affairs have been rectified.
When I started out (the first say 6 or 7 years) I always thought that it must get easier because you get better at it or at least get used to it, so why then were there so many depressed people around? Thought I'd never be one of them and that they were weak. Well, surprise surprise - this is my second bout (obviously meaning the first wasn't properly dealt with) and its alot more intense and drawn out than before. I say this because there are so many adults out there who just cannot cope with the lifestyle they have, with what they have or have not built. Maybe I'm just crazy... excuse the pun... and not quite a perfectionist, but most definitely self criticizing. Yes - if you are your self motivating, you are highly critical of yourself as well.
Everything has a pro and a con - everything! Michele Obama says that you should surround yourself with people on their way up as they will pull you up with them. The twist on this one is that some of them may actually push you down on their way up, instead of holding onto you. Now, dependant on your critique criteria, individuals see the result as either a fault of their own or the selfishness of the leader. If you're depressed, it is your fault, you are useless and well, its worthless even arguing or trying to get out because frankly, you'll be just as much use to the next company, friend, partner as you are to the current.
Self motivation has become self demotivation, there is a twist in everything I see, read, hear. Its gotten to a place where I try really hard not to listen to what is happening around me as I feel its personal attack, when I know deep down inside it probably wasn't or isn't - and there are times when I am attacked, but so totally in my head that defending my believes (obscured right now) or myself is just a no-go area. The energy expended on this activity is consuming, it consumes the most intelligent people, and all because of a stupid imbalance, a bad decision, a choice - a non-choice - this thing we call, life.
I stopped here - and can't seem to remember my train of throught for the last [erased] sentence - but it shows how insanely intuitive I can be and that freaks me out....
Later Guys - I'll post another soon I hope.
