Have you ever had a dream that you knew could be fulfilled but that somehow kept drifting farther and farther away with every new obstacle?
Story of my Life... That's wot that is.
Everytime the glimpse of any dream is just about in sight, when normal people see it and run towards it with everything that they have, I seem to just stumble and fall and become so obsessed with reaching that goal, that dream, that the obstacles in my right of passage seem to appear out of nowhere...
How many more times does this have to happen for me to give up and realise that I've just gotta accept my lot in life... try make life better for my family and their futures and well, maybe actually just give in and settle for a kinder than most guy who may in fact enjoy being a family man. I should be happy, most women at my age would be ecstatic, this is what they've wanted all their lives: Healthy handsome Kids, A man who loves them, no problem conceiving, a loving parent, and a loving parent in law, a good job and a great boss.
What can I say, thought there was more to life than caring for children and a man. I wanted a career, a profession. That was shattered by stupidity and rebellion half my life ago, then when there seemed like there'd be some consolation on the horizon, I fell pregnant again at 19 WTF? Got a few decent jobs, earning enough to feed my brood and moved companies so much that I finally earned enough to live on my own and just barely feed the brood. Looking back, it became about earning enough to actually pay all my expenses and eat without borrowing too much. Yay, finally got to that stage when my youngest was 9 and then I lost my job AGAIN. Which obviously throws you into something terrible when you've only earned enough to get by, but not save. Saving then became my goal - I also happened upon the almost perfect job and well, finally had the time and opportunity to better myself and find some semblance of a career, an actual boyfriend who loved me - even though I didn't love him - it was great.
Then he wanted to get serious, the kids started acting out more than usual, psychologists were brought in, friends left, I finally got a new car and news of another pregnancy. WOT!!!! I don't want to get married, I don't want to have a baby on my arm, I don't want to not sleep for two years, I don't want to be full of vomit and spit and not wear white. I don't want to not be able to work late if that is required, I don't want to have to depend on someone that is only doing this for a child. I don't want to do this to my children, to my mom, my "mom in law", to him, to my boss and especially to ME.
I .. me... I should have been more careful - its no ones fault but mine, just like the other two and just like the rest of the shite that's happened in my life. If I only noticed what was happening around me on my way to my goal I may have been able to prevent the pain and indecision and this unbearable feeling of uncontrollable hopelessness.
There's no one else to blame for these shattered dreams, but myself.
