Over the past few years things have been really really difficult to deal with. The only solution I had was to carry on carrying on. Don't let anything get you down and get through what needed to be got through.
Unfortunately, you get to the point where you're carrying yourself through yourself. Meaning, everything is dealt with on the surface and looks good to the world and those around you, but really... you never made any progress. Shock took over and got you through most stuff, but not the crux of it.
I believe there are reason's why things are the way they are and why those things are sometimes the only reason you are able to adapt and survive, like a prep school of sorts for knowledge of self awareness to deal with whatever lies ahead.
Now here comes the weird part. So you've been though something drastic or semi-crappy in order to prepare you for the next bigger deal you'll have to sort out. Some of these lessons are truly what you make of them and others - well others seem to come back over and over again. I must admit though... when something returns after the storm, its not as hard to deal with - its just more irritating and frustrating. Thinking you've already learned that lesson, hoping it would never return, not going the full circle. Things, people, situations cross your path for a reason, and if people and things aren't there to stay or return, why do situations? Have you not learned your lesson? Maybe there are different people and things set in the same context as the previous situation and it seems seperate to you because the person or thing is different? I really don't know.
Just hope that one day whatever I have gone through will assist someone in not going through the same thing, or not making the same mistakes I made. If they are anything like me though, learning from experience is best - the only problem with that is sometimes the lesson wasn't worth the experience. I once had a boss who spoke to me about regret, it may have been a quick conversation over a smoke, but it is something that has stayed with me and helped me through alot. All she said was "Never regret anything you have chosen to do". She was right ofcourse. If you chose it, it certainly made sense for you to make that decision at that time. So if you're going to do something, do it knowing you won't regret it later.
What I can say is I don't want the full circle on most of my life, there are things that shouldn't ever be dredged up again. There are certain people I would love to have back in my life, even though I know from experience that that lesson was learnt the hard way and they are definitely not meant to be part of my life anymore. Maybe I just miss them and just want to be reminded that I don't always have to be the strong one.
I just have to be me.
