Death cometh too late.

I've actually just had it with life. It sucks. It hurts. It doesn't give back. It is killing me.

Yes, its all well and great that I have my lovely children, new one in tow. But what the fuck can I give them besides my unconditional love? Nothing really. All they have is this empty shell of a woman who keeps getting screwed over by companies, lawyers, creditors and boyfriends.

There is a long story behind this current asshole I seem to be stuck with, but essentially it was my fault for even thinking for one second I could make it work. Seriously, my thinking was completely skewed by the pregnancy. I can't stand him - when you miss someone, its just because you got used to them, doesn't mean you should go back.

My situation at the moment is one of quiet rage and desperate fear. I've lost everything, and the process to try getting a semblance of a life back is proving to be impossible, once again.

1. I need to leave him, but can't afford to go on my own - for the first time in my life.
2. I am being sequestrated because I cannot pay my debt, but I cannot pay for the legal proceedings either.
3. I need a car because mine was repossessed, but the lawyers who are dealing with my bankruptcy are coming up with hidden fees. 
4. My kids are back at school, finally, but I cannot buy them any text books.  
5. The bank did some grabbing and left me with nothing to live on for the month, while I needed to pay the lawyers to get going. 
6. The only saving grace I have is my job, who at the moment doesn't know what the fuck is going on, but keep asking me why I don't have a car. 

I know life is tough and shit, and that it could be worse, but I just don't see a point to this any longer.

• You are born
• have a semi-decent childhood with a completely dysfunctional family
• make bad decisions in your teens like
• meet a fuckhead and fall pregnant
• have two kids before your teens are done
• he messes up your whole life, cheats and abuses you
• you leave him eventually
• find a job and realise people are horrible
• Friends dissapoint you
• Can't pay the bills, but finally get on your feet
• You move out of your parents house
• eventually you start seeing people again (because orgasm's don't last for years)
• meet another fucker who lies to you because you are still young even though you have 2 kids
• he gets married under your nose and its still like being cheated on
• then you lose your jobs, left right and center
• meet the man of your dreams and find out he is actually just a boy, so it can't last, but you still love him 
• He leaves for another country
• Friends let you down and leave
• Mom gets cancer and kids go crazy
• then you meet another wanker who wants to be part of your life
• you fall pregnant again and he goes into hiding
• you break up and lose the baby (dodged that bullet)
• you make up and fall pregnant again (fuck that bullet), even though you were happy to end stuff this time forever
• you lose your job AGAIN, but while pregnant
• You lose EVERYTHING you ever worked for
• no dignity, or pride to keep your head up high
• and he too, cheats on you - while you're at your lowest
• now you are stuck with bills that can't be paid
• find a job and get taken to the cleaners by the lawyers.
• still just wishing this were not happening and you could have the nanny and live on your own. 

I'm done. It has been the worst 33 years of my life so far. I can die now. but wait, my Life insurance lapsed, so my kids are screwed.

WTF Already!!! I just want fucking OUT! God!

Next Day: Just a quick update, I'm not suicidal, just depressed.

God's twisted sense of humor

The last two posts were written over a year ago - and I've just re-read them.

LMFAO!!!! What an idiot I was to believe that I wouldn't let anything or anyone get me down, ever again....

The reason I haven't publsihed anything is becuase I actually lost everything - material and mind - in this last year and am now trying to gather myself together again.

When I say life hit hard this time, I mean it Fuckign screwed me sooo bad, I'm still trying to stop the bleeding! It would be great to explain the entire situation to you, but it seems that almost everyone I follow and those who follow me, have also stopped blogging. Even if I did, I don't think there are enough hours in a day to tell someone, let alone type it out.

To give you an idea, I got laid off while pregnant and haven't worked for 8 months. This job is brand spanking new (loving it) and my car has just been repossessed. The family are alive and we live with the boyfriend (god help us). This ultimately means I get to sleep next to the guy who assisted greatly, in ruining my life.

Here's what I'm happy about, I am alive, my kids are healthy, we are fed and relatively warm. Oh yes, and we have a roof over our heads.

I don't want to stop blogging here, but still think I should start a blog that isn't exactly anonymous. The problem with that is I can't speak about the boyfriend I cannot wait to get away from, the other guys I have in mind to hook up with as soon as I'm outta this damn relationship and the fact that being this depressed AGAIN with history repeating itself is just making the situation worse.

There seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel, and that is to go out on my own again, but only after I'm back on my feet. Lord help us if this shit happens again, next time may possibly be the end of me.

Either way, I'll blog again soon because I miss this so very very much.

Over and out.

Life is Short, and love is shorter

Relationships: all of them - children, parents, friends, partners and some family (yes, all family just really not worth it).

Relationships are the basis of every person's life... You have relationship managers in companies who deal solely with making the client happy, building a trustworthy relationship with these people and learning their businesses. But how much of that is real? Very very little.

Shallow, this is the shallow part of relations when you need to smooze clients and get them to love you, play on their weakness as a person to get money or business out of them. Or in some cases, tit for tat. The problem with this is that it lends itself to manipulation not only in the workplace and business arena, but in the broader scheme of things - like this thing we like to call life.

Whoever invented that terminology and elaborately built upon the premise is one intelligent individual with a serious penchant for making money and a definite lack of empathy.

In other words, this is why I am so terrible at Sales. I've said it time and time again while interviewing and to many of my real relations, albeit not the closest of friends, I cannot sell. I don't believe in false confidence and certainly do not entertain the theory that if I could talk myself out of anything and into someones good graces, I will make a million. Problem is, it bloody works.

In relationships on a daily basis it is hard for me to suck up to anyone, my philosophy is; If you don't want to do it, then leave. If you're not here to work, then don't. If you're not going to buy it, I will not try sell it to you. Thereby, there are certain musts that must just be adhered to. Not only in order to remain a upright citizen, but for your own reputation in society and for your offspring to have a body to look up to, since most of the world are now learning relationship management, i.e. how to lie.

Don't get me wrong, not every acquintance I've made has culminated into a lasting relationship, people sometimes do not get on, others find over time that they weren't as suited as they would have liked. Also, some find out later that they were being managed for their peers benefit. Its all so damn complicated.

Being pushed around and bullied is purely being dominated by another, now what I'm saying above doesnt mean I want to dominate anyone, it simply means; I don't get along with people who try manipulate me into doing as they wish I would. I find that rather degrading and quite rude actually. All they need do is ask, and accept my answer for what it is as I would do in return.

The general population have been brainwashed into thinking manipulation is a formation of a relationship and that is the only way you can get what you want. If they actually went into the word relationship, they'd realise this is a connection - emotional or other - association or involvment. Getting involved with another person and building upon that base, between two people - whether it be an entire family or not, each individual person needs to build a relationship with the other. 

But who am I to judge, I've run away from real relationships almost all my life and will not bend or conform to the rules of society and the lack of connection.

Aah well, I'll find my passion and it will be where I'm able to be myself - hopefully its way before I kick the bucket.

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