So I haven't done this for a few months, did mention that I would be busy although I just feel the need to do this today.
People have been blogging for years, so much so that they've created whole communities on this wonderful thing we call the internet. I'm a little hypocrytical when it comes to blogging bout my entire life and prefer if certain people never read it, which could explain my reluctance to publish this url on my facebook or twitter profiles. On the other side of this hypocrite is someone who follows blogs of people who aren't afraid to tell the whole world about their lives.
I find that abosolutely amazing and envy their freedom of expression very very much (envy is a terrible word but essential in this case). South Africans aren't as interested in this type of interaction as most of the first world countries are, which doesn't affect my opinion's but it unfortunately affects my actions. So trying to keep things on the up and up is a cache 22 situation of sorts. My life has been in a total mess for almost all of it so far and well if I think really clearly about it, it would be because I tried to make everyone else happy and not myself.
So I am now blogging whether I have followers or not. This is for me - even if just a three liner now and then, to satisfy the urge. Quinch the thirst or free the mind.
If not, why not. No?
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Starting over.. again and again
Seriously need to beautify my blog, make it more interesting for me to want to look at, but all that takes time, something I haven't had much of lately.
Just moved house - AGAIN - due to the joyess economy, I couldn't afford my place and took up living in a friends place which is really big and cosy... but rather out of sorts and hectically far from everything we're used to (see previous post for example). This not so little (funny, I used to say that bout my last, hot boyfriend) 'problem' I was to face when moving in, has blossomed (sarcastically through gritted teeth) into making the place characteristically livable.
Life coulda been a little simpler, but alas - that is not an option - coulda, woulda, shoulda just doesn't do it for me. I have my family to take care of and that is all my choice. While chatting to a friend on Skype the other day and she mentioned (once again, something I get alot from many different friends, people, aquintances,etc.)that she was worried about me, with everything happening in my life at the moment, things must be tough. This is how my life has been and changing the outcome of every situation or getting history not to repeat itself has sometimes broken me into such little pieces that I've even written a small metophoric 'release' if you may on what it feels like. This will come later and I seriously drift. Back to the subject at hand, my friend is going through something I'd never want to experience, although most poeple never want to experience what I've gone through - hers is something scary and way too emotionally challenging for me. Unfortunately the details are personal and cannot be published so all I can say is that everything changed in a split second for her and her family. She mentioned this but still said how much she worries about me.
Now, as we are currently not suited to encourage each other, these negative feelings were not going to help her any. Also, it upsets me sometimes that people care so much for others when their own lives are in a mess - yes I may sound selfish, but don't get me wrong, I appreciate her caring and care very deeply for them - she just shouldn't worry about me but instead herself, which - as I blatanly mentioned to her - wasn't by choice.
It was my choice though to fall pregnant (maybe not so much a choice) and never finish high school, have another child (again, not so much a choice), leave the looser, cancel the wedding and go it alone all before the age of 20. Move out on my own to raise my boys as I saw fit and later take my mom in when she left my dad (took her long enough).
Been single and mingling for many years, don't take guys home ever(we go to their place if they are old enough to have one of thier own, preferably with their own room - that just sounds terrible - but these encounters are few and far between and merely imply that my blood is still runs warm), work twice as hard for half the pay because I have no degree and obviously nobody cares that I have a brain.
The offspring equals 1x puberty stricken (just gone) teenager with raging hormones and for kicks 'Megan Fox Syndrome' (std male reaction: Eyes glaze over while mouth curves into covetous smirk with drool dripping all over) great combo, 1x pre-puberty - more like can we please clear up the total confusion - almost teen, funny little lad too. 1x mom who's left breastless (hehehe - sorry can't help myself), literally and figuratively while chemo seems to be rendering her senile - not sure what age she would be under these circumstances - feels like another teen with memory loss and well, the 20something with wrinkles and grey hair in the wrong places, needing to start all over again for the millionth time - all living together in ignorant bliss (I say bliss in the hope that it evades you to my current discomfort).
So the need to explain to 1xfamily above that our current circumstances are beyond even my control after having them believe that I and I alone (by the grace of God) control mine and their destiny for now, has become a daunting task to say the least. And as everyone is emotionally unstable - teen, pre-teen, senile and seeming depressive - this is really hard to comprehend. Why I (the seemingly depressive, emotionally unstable head of the house) cannot explain this to them should really speak for itself. The good thing, which shouldn't really be a good thing, is the whole world is in the same economic situation. And for this time only - to start over again - seems a little less traumatic (doesn't feel it)than the times before, as I have a sense of not being totally alone (some of the time).
Starting a new job on Monday, not sure when I'll have time to blog again, but so stoked that this may bring a twinkle at the end of my long, dark, luming tunnel.
Catch you on the flip side, peeps!!!
Just moved house - AGAIN - due to the joyess economy, I couldn't afford my place and took up living in a friends place which is really big and cosy... but rather out of sorts and hectically far from everything we're used to (see previous post for example). This not so little (funny, I used to say that bout my last, hot boyfriend) 'problem' I was to face when moving in, has blossomed (sarcastically through gritted teeth) into making the place characteristically livable.
Life coulda been a little simpler, but alas - that is not an option - coulda, woulda, shoulda just doesn't do it for me. I have my family to take care of and that is all my choice. While chatting to a friend on Skype the other day and she mentioned (once again, something I get alot from many different friends, people, aquintances,etc.)that she was worried about me, with everything happening in my life at the moment, things must be tough. This is how my life has been and changing the outcome of every situation or getting history not to repeat itself has sometimes broken me into such little pieces that I've even written a small metophoric 'release' if you may on what it feels like. This will come later and I seriously drift. Back to the subject at hand, my friend is going through something I'd never want to experience, although most poeple never want to experience what I've gone through - hers is something scary and way too emotionally challenging for me. Unfortunately the details are personal and cannot be published so all I can say is that everything changed in a split second for her and her family. She mentioned this but still said how much she worries about me.
Now, as we are currently not suited to encourage each other, these negative feelings were not going to help her any. Also, it upsets me sometimes that people care so much for others when their own lives are in a mess - yes I may sound selfish, but don't get me wrong, I appreciate her caring and care very deeply for them - she just shouldn't worry about me but instead herself, which - as I blatanly mentioned to her - wasn't by choice.
It was my choice though to fall pregnant (maybe not so much a choice) and never finish high school, have another child (again, not so much a choice), leave the looser, cancel the wedding and go it alone all before the age of 20. Move out on my own to raise my boys as I saw fit and later take my mom in when she left my dad (took her long enough).
Been single and mingling for many years, don't take guys home ever(we go to their place if they are old enough to have one of thier own, preferably with their own room - that just sounds terrible - but these encounters are few and far between and merely imply that my blood is still runs warm), work twice as hard for half the pay because I have no degree and obviously nobody cares that I have a brain.
The offspring equals 1x puberty stricken (just gone) teenager with raging hormones and for kicks 'Megan Fox Syndrome' (std male reaction: Eyes glaze over while mouth curves into covetous smirk with drool dripping all over) great combo, 1x pre-puberty - more like can we please clear up the total confusion - almost teen, funny little lad too. 1x mom who's left breastless (hehehe - sorry can't help myself), literally and figuratively while chemo seems to be rendering her senile - not sure what age she would be under these circumstances - feels like another teen with memory loss and well, the 20something with wrinkles and grey hair in the wrong places, needing to start all over again for the millionth time - all living together in ignorant bliss (I say bliss in the hope that it evades you to my current discomfort).
So the need to explain to 1xfamily above that our current circumstances are beyond even my control after having them believe that I and I alone (by the grace of God) control mine and their destiny for now, has become a daunting task to say the least. And as everyone is emotionally unstable - teen, pre-teen, senile and seeming depressive - this is really hard to comprehend. Why I (the seemingly depressive, emotionally unstable head of the house) cannot explain this to them should really speak for itself. The good thing, which shouldn't really be a good thing, is the whole world is in the same economic situation. And for this time only - to start over again - seems a little less traumatic (doesn't feel it)than the times before, as I have a sense of not being totally alone (some of the time).
Starting a new job on Monday, not sure when I'll have time to blog again, but so stoked that this may bring a twinkle at the end of my long, dark, luming tunnel.
Catch you on the flip side, peeps!!!
Timid Road Raging
After several years of avoiding any kind of traffic, living within in a 10km radius of school and work, driving (walking - when the car was stolen/broken/stupid) less than 20km's a day and most recently 9-12km's in total - this included; taking boys to school, going to work, picking them up, taking them home, going back to work and then returning home. I now bypass all my previous places of residence and go TOwards my most recent residence (too much of a reality check to count but think its approx 15km's 1 way) then drive to temporary job assignment - result of retrenchment - which is around 10-15 km's in the opposite direction of the said school - bypassing yet another previous place of residence.
Upon leaving my nest 7-8yrs ago, I vowed NEVER ... ever... to be in the car for more than an hour at a time if it could at all be helped. Possibly because I absolutely hate, no no despise - okay... vehemently abhor, traffic.
Wanna see this crazily bubbly person morph into a gargantuan bitch in 2 seconds flat? Put me in bumper to bumper traffic at 10km's an hr - clutch leg (left) having a minor seizure, protruding vein (my offspring nonchalantly refer to it as "The Harry Potter scar") pumping uncontrolably while an incompetent female... soccer mom... wanna be driver... escorts her little brats to daycare at 5km's p/h, never hesitating to stop before every single turn!!!!! WHy licenses are issued to these clearly inadequate road abusers, are beyond my natural understanding!!!
All the while hearing these weird voices - "They can't hear you", "Who are you speaking to?", "Please stop cursing?", "I don't think the car understood you", sounds vaguely familiar - that's it - my offspring! they need to get to school in one piece and possibly be raised in a non-violent, non-cusing environment. Why I decided NOT to smoke in the car&house with my wonderful family members present is beyond even me???? ... oh ... yes, in an effort to kill only myself while enjoying my only vice! Blows I tellya.
The trek to work from school is slightly less challenging accept I don't seem to hear those voices any longer... think all the soccer mom's have gone shopping and my "vice" happily burns between my fingers.
We retrace this route every afternoon - afraid how painful this journey may be when pms arrives. S'pose I'll cross that bridge when we get there and we're not far off.
Just for the record, I only say how stupid they are (cause really - most cars are) and seldomly swear... out loud, tail - seriously close to - excrutiatingly slow cars and never give the finger (no really - petite is not scary). Although I'm sure they sense my frustration when checking their rear view mirrors. Also, my dad taught me to drive and I do know when people are with stupid because I handle my shite better than alot of men.
Optimistic thought: Tomorrow will be better and I'll get used to it ... eventually! Ye - in about 5 minutes.
Thanks for sharing my bitching session.
Cheese: Sharing is Caring
Upon leaving my nest 7-8yrs ago, I vowed NEVER ... ever... to be in the car for more than an hour at a time if it could at all be helped. Possibly because I absolutely hate, no no despise - okay... vehemently abhor, traffic.
Wanna see this crazily bubbly person morph into a gargantuan bitch in 2 seconds flat? Put me in bumper to bumper traffic at 10km's an hr - clutch leg (left) having a minor seizure, protruding vein (my offspring nonchalantly refer to it as "The Harry Potter scar") pumping uncontrolably while an incompetent female... soccer mom... wanna be driver... escorts her little brats to daycare at 5km's p/h, never hesitating to stop before every single turn!!!!! WHy licenses are issued to these clearly inadequate road abusers, are beyond my natural understanding!!!
All the while hearing these weird voices - "They can't hear you", "Who are you speaking to?", "Please stop cursing?", "I don't think the car understood you", sounds vaguely familiar - that's it - my offspring! they need to get to school in one piece and possibly be raised in a non-violent, non-cusing environment. Why I decided NOT to smoke in the car&house with my wonderful family members present is beyond even me???? ... oh ... yes, in an effort to kill only myself while enjoying my only vice! Blows I tellya.
The trek to work from school is slightly less challenging accept I don't seem to hear those voices any longer... think all the soccer mom's have gone shopping and my "vice" happily burns between my fingers.
We retrace this route every afternoon - afraid how painful this journey may be when pms arrives. S'pose I'll cross that bridge when we get there and we're not far off.
Just for the record, I only say how stupid they are (cause really - most cars are) and seldomly swear... out loud, tail - seriously close to - excrutiatingly slow cars and never give the finger (no really - petite is not scary). Although I'm sure they sense my frustration when checking their rear view mirrors. Also, my dad taught me to drive and I do know when people are with stupid because I handle my shite better than alot of men.
Optimistic thought: Tomorrow will be better and I'll get used to it ... eventually! Ye - in about 5 minutes.
Thanks for sharing my bitching session.
Cheese: Sharing is Caring
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